Coton retain the Ashes, beating Coton (a moral victory for The Codgers)

Saturday July 4th.  While our colonial brethren celebrated independence, the Coton Codgers took on the young whippersnappers of the "Co-Teens" in a game of cricket.  At stake: the Coton Ashes, family bragging rights, parental dignity and much, much more.

The secret cricketer has been notable mostly for his absence in the last few weeks.  As some of the codgers prepared the pitch for the game (another tactic by the juniors -- make the old guys do the work and they will be too tired to play) there was a rustling in the bushes.  An old figure in shabby cricket whites was spotted.

"Can you lend me £4 for a pint?" he said.

"Four pounds?" came the disbelieving reply.

"Yes, you obviously haven't been in The Plough recently".

Lured from his lair by the promise of a beer and a burger The Secret Cricketer agreed to join The Codgers meaning that they lined up with 13 (only 11 on the field at any time) against 11 juniors.

Ross read out the playing conditions to the teams.  When he mentioned "retire on 30" several of the Codgers indicated that they wished they had, only it was 20 years to late.  Eventually everyone pretended to understand so we could get started before nightfall.

The Codgers got first use of the wicket lead by their skipper John Hartwright.  There was a return to cricket after 15 years away for former player Andy Whitmore and a batting line up that ranged from "just past their prime" to "totally decrepit".  Jenny worked out how to fit 13 batsmen into 11 spaces in the score book (hint, Rob's scores wont take up too much space) and then faced a similar challenge with 10 bowlers in 8 spaces.

Ross decided to avoid any embarrassment on the playing front by umpiring whilst simultaneously coaching.

And it started.  Right from the outset it became apparent that (a) the Co-teens had 10 players who all knew how to bowl (and Bertie Elmes would have made 11 had he been let out from behind the stumps).  A procession of elderly "gentlemen" made their way to the wicket and made steady progress against Paolo, Patrick, Bobby, Tom, Toby, Toby, Dominic, Hannah, Adam and Oliver.  Some of the gentlemen retired, others dismissed.  Individual details fade.  Gabriel gallantly ran himself out taking a quick single to Paolo.  Paolo unsportingly (a) didn't fumble the ball and (b) hit the stumps directly, neither of which are familiar concepts to The Codgers.  Gabriel's attempts to convince that his runout was to either accelerate the scoring rate or allowed him to get the barbecue heated up didn't find sympathetic ears.

Paul Bradbury manged to edge one to slip where he was put down by a leaping Adam Bradbury.  We wondered how much he owed his son for that let-off, an XBOX, perhaps?  At the drinks break that followed shortly afterwards, Paul suggested the age old cliche "if you are going flash, flash hard".  That he had lowered his trousers to adjust his thigh-guard at this precise moment was a little worrying.

John Bason was bemused and beaten by Hannah Sirringhaus.  The need to get everyone a bat meant that "retired out" happened more and more quickly, reaching a crescendo when Rob retired in the process of taking guard.  The highlight of the death overs was Scotch taking three successive fours off Paolo, one of which almost resembled a cricket shot.

The seniors limped, wheezed, staggered and groaned their way to 149 in their 28 overs.

The BBQ was ready and a large mound of sausages and burgers consumed in honour of the US Independence Day.  Shame there were no fireworks in the cricket that had preceded it.

The Co-teens reply was hampered by it being past Patrick's and Hannah's bed times (or perhaps they had a school concert).  They were allowed to have 2 of their 11 get 2nd lives in the batting to give them a full 11.  The Codgers opening bowlers were David "Methusalah" Scotcher and Rob "Jared" Kaye.  Before the start of the innings, Ross had told the Juniors repeatedly not to hit the ball near Andy "Bucket Hands" Whitmore.  Did they listen?  They did not.  Andy took a smart catch at cover to remove Adam in Rob's first over.  In the next over he missed a hard chance off Scotch: despite being away from the game for so long, Andy had apparently got the message that you have to drop the ball off Scotch's bowling.

After 2 overs, Rob was relieved by a substitute fielder.  This idea of having more than 11 players could catch on for the Codgers.  Unfortunately the new fielder wasn't in the Gary Pratt class.

The juniors, led by Bobby Elmes and Paolo made steady progress against a wildly varied Codger bowling attack.  Andy Whitmore rolled back the years with some good overs, Gaurav, Pete Jarvis, John Hartwright and Matt Chandler provided some variety. Paul Bradbury bowled his obligatory overs before switching John Bason who emerged from behind the stumps to do his Paul Adams impersonation.

The scores got closer.  Nick Brealey bowled some accurate overs and the Co-teens were down to their last two batsmen.  They just happened to be their two post experienced and - arguably - best: Bobby (who had retired earlier) and Adam (who had won the "bat twice" lottery.

John called on his two most experienced campaigners, Scotch and Rob.  The gap in the scores slowly narrowed.  The penultimate over arrived with the Juniors on 147-9.  Three to win, two to tie.  Rob rumbled up and Bobby smashed it straight and true.  A little too straight as it turned out as it flew into middle stump at the bowler's end.  The next ball was dispatched for two to bring the scores level.  This was followed by two balls that went through to the keeper.  The penultimate ball of the over was knocked back in the direction of Rob who held on to a fairly simple caught and bowled to bring the match to a conclusion with the scores tied.  

Adam - remembering Ross's rules lecture from four hours earlier - tried to argue the case that he should bat on.  But Ross brought into play rule 6.2, clause (a), paragraph (ii) that this did not apply with batsmen getting a 2nd chance.  So, we had an honorable tie, or did we?  Jenny checked the book and declared that yes indeed the scores were level.

Given the athleticism and ability of the Co-teens, which was probably worth forty or more runs in the field, a tie could be a regarded as a moral victory for the Codgers.  But what about the guile and experience of those older cricketers?  Surely that would balance the energy and enthusiasm, you ask?   Well, almost, but not quite.  Perhaps it would have if one of the Co-teens wrote the report, but they didn't.  

The secret cricketer retired to the bushes and the rest of gathered around some cold sausages and cold beers.  It was then that the Gilbert and Sullivan society started their rendition of one of the duo's lesser known works: The Cricketers of Coton, the highlight being the aria "You don't take one to Paolo".  

There's a rumour that there may be a rematch.  The scary thing is the Codgers will all be one year older and one year less fit.  The Co-teens will also be one year older, but in their case, one year better.