There's life in them old dogs yet!

“I have seen the future of Coton Cricket” commented one of the veterans, “it’s me sitting on a deck chair with a beer chuntering at the kids and telling anyone who will listen how much better it was in my day…”

For five and bit hours on Saturday afternoon the Coton Geriatrics (average age 50) showed the Whippersnappers (average age 22, but very heavily slewed by Ross, Paul, Richard and Deepak) that they weren’t quite ready to hand over the reins without a fight.

There was a suggestion before the match that it could turn out a bit like the masters/pupils rugby match in Monty Python’s “Meaning of Life”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w6Vy3l9Gk4 but there were only a few injured juniors at the end.

As the sun pushed away the rain clouds that just dumped their contents on Coton (and assorted cyclists), there was a mad scramble in the Codgers dressing room to grab enough space to park the Zimmer frames and secure a clean glass in which to deposit the false teeth during the game. Meanwhile in the Juniors’ room security blankets, soft toys and Game Boys were reluctantly put away for the duration (and that was just Ross).

Whether there was an actual toss, or it was just decided by the captains, the Veterans batted first. There was a rule of retirement after 40 balls or 50 runs in place, and a limit of 5 overs per bowler, to ensure that as many players as possible got into the game. In the case of some of the veterans 5 overs is about all they can handle in a day, and 40 balls is more than they have faced all season.

A couple of the older team members misconstrued the retirement rule and were packing their kit away before the captain clarified that “retire at 50” meant runs, not years.

Gabriel and Dave Simmons opened the batting for the Seasoned XI whilst the Academy started with Robert Manion and Olly Bradbury. Olly was one of 4 members of that particular clan engaged in the festivities. Both bowlers were steady and accurate – a trait that will have to be weaned out of them by the coaches if they want to fit in to the senior team.

Gabriel, Dave and Richard (at #3) all made useful runs as Ross rotated his bowling attack to good effect. None of them got close enough to the 40/50 retirement rule though despite Dave’s attempts at bullying his son by picking him out in the field at every opportunity. Daniel had been somewhat reluctant to take the field in the first place and had needed much cajoling and several threats from Dave before doing so.

Adam Bradbury in particular took the eye in the field patrolling the boundary and making fine returns to complement his ever improving leg spin bowling.

Mark Carrington at #4 and Rob Kaye at #5 took up the reins (Rob having got over the nose bleed caused by the altitude of being in a batting position with less than one digit). Mark eventually reached the 40 ball retirement and Andy East took his place.

The juniors were now treated to a sight somewhat akin to two arthritic rhinos lumbering up and down the pitch as Rob and Andy both – comfortably – got their highest scores of the season. Rob kept looking worriedly at Gabriel (now umpiring) in case the Child Welfare Officer reported him for bullying. Together Rob & Andy put on something in excess of 80 runs, dealing as much as possible in leg side boundaries and turning all attempts to run 2 into singles.

It was enough for Ross to develop a tactical shoulder injury at the start of the 28^th over and hand over the bowling to the newly arrived Robbie Sewell (replete in purple hockey shirt).

Now, Rob might favour one shot but he is quite good at it and it should be a salutary lesson that if you bowl it leg side it will get hit hard (or on the off, it will be hardly hit). Robbie’s first ball vanished somewhere in the direction of the M11. After a quick bit of coaching from Ross, Robbie bowled the next one outside off, and Rob duly edged it to a predatory skipper who had positioned himself at point for just such an eventuality.

Scotch played a quick cameo (a duck) and Rads also got out leaving Ulassa to scramble on the pads to join Neil (“I can’t see the ball”) to avoid being timed out. The venerable golden oldies had put together 181 in their 30 overs.

In order to set a good example in nutrition to the Academy a tea consisting of crisps, cakes and more cakes was provided. It should by now be very obvious to the Juniors how Scotch, Andy and Rob maintain their physiques.

The Juniors’ innings was launched by the two Roberts (Manion and Sewell). Robbie S didn’t last too long but Robert M proceeded serenely, successfully repelling Dave “Grizzly Adams” Scotcher, Matt, Richard, Ulassa and Neil before he reached his 40/50 retirement threshold.

A lot can be learned about the bowlers from watching the wicket keepers. For the Academy the keeper was not to moving around too much being able to take the ball where he was standing. This was in stark contrast to the superannuated version that took the field for the second innings. This keeper was forced into scrambling around on several occasions (every over) to stop wides on both sides of the wicket from Ulassa, Matt, Mark, Neil, Richard and Gabriel.

Dave S & Dave S are excused from this list of shame as they managed to bowl straight most of the time. It was only partially in jest that Rob took up a position at leg gully for the bowling of Gabriel.

The Academy players – Rob & Robbie, Bobby, Adam, Cameron and Olly - all looked to have fine techniques as well as fair degree of courage as Neil resorted to bowling bodyline. Just as laudable was their understanding of the game of cricket to compliment the technique. This is a testament to the coaching skills of Ross, Chris and the others that have been involved.

Somewhat more suspect in technique were the senior players.

The most consistent senior bowler was Grizzly Adams, off whose bowling the most likely cause of injury for the keeper is to be hit in the face by flying bails as another bemused batsman is castled. It was a mere three times today, the fourth wicket being courtesy of the finest fine leg to grace the Coton team in living memory. For it was Helen Bradbury – who had taken the field to make up the XI – that swooped forward to hold on to a catch at short cover and showed the men how it was done. Now, she probably only volunteered for this to get the opportunity to sledge Paul, Adam and Olly but she was alert enough to be back on her feet after the catch before the charging herd of behemoths could engulf her in congratulations. This probably saved her several broken ribs.

Gabriel managed a couple of wickets courtesy of obliging batsmen that redirected the ball onto the stumps. Neil, building up a fair head of steam, got one to lift and follow Ross who feathered the ball into the grateful hands of Rob behind the stumps. I don’t think the latter would have ever lived it down if he had grassed that chance.

The scoring rate was getting ever more demanding and eventually Robert had to return to the crease to resume his innings until he ran out of partners.

The Academy had come up short but made a spirited attempt to match the Seniors’ score. Gabriel was presented with a trophy to commemorate the historic victory whilst the senior players grabbed a beer (or two) and Ross noted that we will open up the 2012 season with a return match. I was silently contemplating the various bruises, strains and injuries and wondering whether that should indeed be my last game. And then, the next day, whilst in Cambridge I noticed that Sports Direct had the Slazenger cricket shorts (with built in box pouch) on sale for £2. It was then that I realised that there might be life in the old dog yet and I would need one of those next year after all!

See you on October 1^st for the pitch work November 12^th for the social and no doubt the winter nets.

For now, I leave you with the words of Roy Harper.

When an old cricketer leaves the crease, well you never know whether he's gone
If sometimes you're catching a fleeting glimpse of a twelfth man at silly Mid-on
And it could be Geoff and it could be John with a new ball sting in his tail
And it could be me and it could be thee and it could be the sting in the ale, the sting in the ale.

Nice Jugs, Beardy!

I like playing against Girton. Not only do we always seem to beat them (four matches, four wins in the last three years) but they are a friendly bunch of individuals with whom we can have some good banter. I should also mention the scones with cream and jam that were provided with the teas. Rupert Brooke may have been moved to write a poem about it. On Saturday last we should give them a special mention for agreeing to play on after a severe rainstorm had left their pitch looking more suitable for ducks than cricketers. We needed the result but they didn’t. So their flexibility and willingness to play under some very poor conditions was much appreciated.

There were a few ducks as well: for once they all came from the opposition.

Girton batted first in – what was at 1:30pm – reasonable weather but we always had one eye on the storm clouds gathering behind the church. The story of the Girton innings is really that of the juggernaut that is Dave Scotcher. Newly bewhiskered, Dave went straight for the jugular, jugged the Girton middle order and it was only through some jugulation from their last pair that the hosts were able to post something of a challenging total.

Ross had returned from his extended vacation to take up the reigns again (or should that be “rains”?) much to the relief of Gabriel. Other than an absent Alastair (possibly doing some moonlighting with a travelling circus) we had a pretty strong side out. Milan was back, although only as a batsman, however Ross had a variety of different options for the bowling at his disposal so this wasn’t an issue.

We started with Matt Chandler who produced an opening over straight from the Neil Sparnon book of coaching (if its far enough away from the batsman, he can’t hit it).

Scotch came in from the football ground end and soon found his groove. In the last week he has managed to cover the last few centimetres of hair-free skin he had available with a fine looking beard. The additional wind resistance didn’t seem to upset his rhythm.

For the second week running he actually had a catch held off his bowling: two in fact, once by Matt and the other by Milan. Dave still didn’t trust the fielders though and proceeded to hit the stumps (which looked like new, virgin Readers) on no less than five occasions. Three of those were off successive deliveries, each pitched outside off stump & cutting back. Three times the Girton batsmen prodded forward and were bowled through the gate. Dave was ecstatic at his first ever hat trick. I just wish he had shaved because man, those bristles were prickly. Girton 56-7: Dave had 6 wickets at this point, Ross the other. Ross had had more than one plumb LBW decision rejected by the umpire so it was something of a surprise when one was upheld as it was perhaps the least blatant of the ones that we asked for.

It was after the third dismissal of Dave’s hat trick whilst we were waiting for another Girtonian to hastily pad up when the rains started to fall.

It was a heavy downpour and although it was quickly passed there was standing water on the adjacent strips and in the rather large trenches the batsman had left when taking guard.

We agreed to an early tea with a view to resuming after about an hour. It was during this passage of play that Coton wrote their way into the Wisden records for consuming the most cakes during the course of an over both collectively, and individually (Soctch).

Several team members sacrificed their towels in the mop up operation and we were able to resume albeit with very muddy and slippery creases. Dave continued and soon took a 7^th wicket. Ross resorted to bowling around the wicket which led to several close calls it the slips for Richard before the former rearranged the stumps for a 9^th wicket.

Adam Bradbury took over from Dave who had completed a fine spell of 7-17 in his 10 overs. The best Coton performance since Chris Cooke’s amazing 10-for in 2008. With the last men at the crease Adam surely expected a shorter spell. In the end he bowled 7 overs for 11 runs, turning the ball a lot which repeatedly flummoxed the Girton batsmen as well as the Coton “wicket keeper” who missed two, possibly three stumpings off his bowling that could have ended the innings sooner.

At the other end Ulassa took over from Ross and despite concerns that he would have trouble keeping his footing managed to do so for five overs. He bowled off a shortened run with – at least to the keeper – no discernable loss of pace and was unlucky not to have claimed a wicket when Adam eventually got the final wicket courtesy of catch from the skipper running back from slip. Girton 97 all out: possibly 30 more than they should have got.

With one eye on the weather, Dave Simmons and Milan opened the batting. Milan was elegant, Dave belligerent: both were effective. They soon hit one of the Girton bowlers out of the attack. One cover drive from Milan was played with such effortless grace that it was applauded by the umpire (possibly not in the spirit of the game) who was able to surreptitiously turn the gesture into the signal for four runs.

Runs came quickly as we tried to get home before the rains returned. There were a few drops in the air (rain, not catches) but nothing serious enough to take the players. The mud around where the batsmen stood and from where the bowlers delivered was drying at last making both tasks a little easier.

Dave and Milan both perished after making valuable knocks, thirty for Dave, twenty for Milan. They fell to the same – occasional bowler – who was pinging it down quite quickly off about three paces. He deserved the wickets having beaten the bats several times and having repeated LBW appeals turned down as he was moving the ball in too much.

Richard and Gabriel replaced the two outgoing batsmen. After a few alarms Richard got going and for a while it looked like he would knock the remaining runs before Gabriel got off the park. In fact Rob was walking around the pavilion trying to get team mates to take a bet on such an occurrence. It was then that Gabriel was replaced by his identical twin brother. (That is, the twin brother that comes to nets and smashes the bowlers to all points of the compass as opposed to the one that prods and pokes around for one run in twenty overs and features in DVDs for curing insomnia).

Watched by a growing crowd (Richard’s brother & wife, Jenny, members of the Girton 1^st XI) Gabriel reeled off some fine drives and pulls and with the last shot of the game caught up with Richard so they both ended on eighteen not out. We passed the winning target with fifteen overs to spare.

In retrospect I don’t know if it was the risk of rain or the lure of Scotch buying two jugs (one for the five-for, one for the hat trick) that induced them to score the runs quickly. After a false start to the social club we headed for the Old George where it was nice enough to sit outside. The barmaid only had one jug (ooh, err, missus) but it was amply filled with Oakham Bishop’s Farewell (the lager boys had to suffer pints instead) as day became evening and we chatted to our friendly hosts.

The next morning I looked anxiously for the other results on the CCA website. Steeple Morden 240-3, Longstowe 90 all out (so far so good), but wait, Longstowe WIN? Steeple had transgressed a CCA rule that says you can’t declare an innings in the J-league, and they declared theirs closed after 38 overs. The match was therefore awarded to Longstowe putting them 18 points above us in the league with one match to play (I think we would have been level with them on points had the result stood). It hardly seems fair that we are – effectively, although not 100% certain – being relegated because the league leaders are being punished in this way (it doesn’t actually impact Steeple, they are so far ahead that they are champions irrespective of this match or the one next weekend).

[As remembered by the anonymous correspondent after recovering from Dave’s jugs.]

"Coton's Got Talent" (?!?!!!) or "Chips with Everything"

Another day, another defeat and we are dead last in the league. Back to back games against Longstowe – the previous incumbents of the basement – yielded two defeats. It would be disingenuous to point at first XI players in the second XI and make that the focus of the defeats. Over 153 overs of cricket neither team was able to bowl the other out and Longstowe scored faster off our bowling than we did off theirs so they deservedly won.

The match was played on a distinctly oval ground (long square of the wicket but short straight). At one end it was bounded by horses in the fields and the 15^th Century St. Mary’s Church. A tree stood inside the boundary (automatic 4 if hit) and real sightscreens (also inside the boundary). Overall, there was a distinctly bucolic feel to proceedings.

The Coton Supporters Club (Neil) had turned up to read The Times and occasionally make sage judgements on the cricket. We batted first in variable weather conditions: someone must have been watching the match as the rain was only turned on for a brief period during the tea interval.

Gabriel stopped trying to do his hybrid Yorkshire/Pakistani/South African commentator impression long enough to open the batting with Dave Simmons (much to the relief the rest of the team). Progress didn’t quite reach the level of being serene but it was still a surprise when Dave was bowled after hitting several sumptuous shots. We can’t remember if Gabriel was off the mark at this point, but he had made a solid 2 by the time the 2^nd wicket went down with 31 runs on the board in the 10^th over.

Alastair was now at the crease with Richard with Sasha making mournful whimpering noises outside the pavilion. Richard also went cheaply bringing in the younger member of Bradward (like Jedward, but without the hair gel). Alastair’s stealth call for a quick single took Adam Bradward unawares and the latter was run out without scoring (an innings Bradward senior would have been proud of). It has to be said that Adam was remarkably calm on returning to the dressing room having been run out, something senior members of the side (yes, you, Rob) would do well to note.

Bradward Senior replaced Junior and for perhaps the first time showed that his Christmas present from Helen (cricket lessons) might have been money well spent. Alastair departed at 80, just before the drinks break and it looked distinctly unpromising with 5 wickets down at the mid way stage of the innings.

Dan Garson strode into the arena (or something equally dramatic) and with Bradward senior occupied the crease for the next 20 overs. Together they put on 99 for the 6^th wicket, only being parted on the last ball of the innings when Paul half heartedly tried to take a run off a ball that went through to the wicketkeeper. We tried to convince the opposition that the umpires had already called “over” and removed the bails for the tea interval but they weren’t falling for it (our umpires were a bit slow on the uptake though). We also tried the “spirit of the game” approach but this received a short rebuttal from Longstowe.

Prior to this, Dan and Paul had played untroubled for 20 overs with Dan reaching an unbeaten 52 and Paul 36. Paul’s innings included 3 boundaries: he's obviously been getting some coaching tips from his son(s). This had led to an animated discussion on the sidelines as to whether he had hit a boundary before. (Paul, you may want to defend your besmirched character at this point).

Scotch, Rob, Matt and Ulassa muttered something about reversing the batting order but no-one was paying attention.

179 seemed like a defendable total but after tea Longstowe got off to a flyer against Ulassa and Matt. Gabriel ran through his repertoire of bowlers looking for a breakthrough and it was Scotch that responded by removing both openers. The 2^nd wicket was down to fine catch by Dan diving forward at square leg. As Scotch has had well over two hundred catches put down off his bowling this season he was understandably elated to have one taken.

His reward was an immediate removal from the attack.

Dan had replaced Matt and put down 8 hostile overs but still the runs accumulated. Dan took a 3^rd wicket courtesy of some fine juggling by Alastair behind the stumps. When added to his unicycle riding and dog show the latter could have a fine career with Billy Smart’s Circus should he decide to hang up the gloves.

At this stage it was 77-3 and another breakthrough could have seen us back in the game. It wasn’t to be. Rob, Richard & Adam all tried their luck at getting that elusive 4^th wicket as did Ulassa and Matt in 2^nd spells. Alas it wasn’t to be.

There was plenty of playing and missing and more than one ball dropped agonisingly away from the field. Dan was particularly unlucky with edges falling between slip and short third man. Rob – having explained the no ball rule to the Longstowe umpire – suffered an over where he beat the bat four times only to be smashed for a boundary off the last ball.

Neil meanwhile decided that walking Alastair’s dogs was more interesting than watching the cricket.

In the end Longstowe passed our total with three wickets down and seven overs to spare to achieve a comfortable victory. That leaves two games (Girton & Cambourne) in which to get off the miserable three win mark.

It just remains to comment on the friendly pub that we visited afterwards where were provided with FREE CHIPS to accompany the beers. This was enough of an enticement to keep us there for a second pint instead of going back to The Plough.

And finally, the results of Coton’s Got Talent for 20^th August:

1^st: Dan Garson for his maiden 50, excellent fielding (including that catch) and bowling.

2^nd: Bradward Senior for showing that his batting does have boundaries and a dramtic role reveral with Bradward Junior.

The rest of the team were voted off by the panel of judges (aka Neil, Sasha & Shadow).

[As hacked from Gabriel’s mobile phone on Monday morning.]