Bowled Jarrett caught Mastroeni (and repeat...)



Match reports, eh?  A bit like buses: they are always late, always stink, you seemingly wait for ever for one and then two arrive almost together.

On Saturday 26th July, Coton took on local rivals Madingley at The Rec.   There was a league debut for Ben Jarrett who had also been tapped by the opposition to play for them only to discover that we had his league registration.  The Chandler Youth had its usual representation but there were less old codgers than usual. Madingley arrived as the league leaders with a 100% record.  Although they departed with that record intact we gave them a good run for their money.  If we play like that against the teams lower down we could end the season on a high note.    

The fixtures have a strange organization this year.   The match was the 4th out of 5 successive home games, after which we will end the season with 4 consecutive away matches.  In spite of this the pitch is holding up very well and indeed got a “good” rating from a very friendly opposition.

Captain Moeen Chandler won the toss and we inserted Madingley.   The one-ball-per-game rule really does affect these decisions although in general we seem to be better setting a target than chasing.  They got off to a sound start in the face of some good bowling by Matt and Paolo.   The opening partnership was then broken is somewhat chaotic style.  Matt dug one in, and the Madingley opener’s attempted pull popped up on the leg side.   Cameron raced out from behind the stumps but could only take it on the first bounce.  Turning, he discovered that both batsmen were near the bowler’s end, whereas the bowler was by the stumps at the other.  The ball was calmly flicked in and Matt did the rest.  

Paolo came out of the attack with some very creditable – but wicketless – figures but Matt continued.  They had almost reached 50 when Matt brought one back through the gate to clean bowl the Madingley #3.   This precipitated a flurry of wickets.   Scotch had taken over from Paolo.   In his next over the first two balls disappeared to the boundary but the last two brought wickets.   The first was an LBW of the other opening batsman.  Scotch’s appeal was impassioned, loud and long.  At first it looked like the decision would not be given but after the longest period of consideration that I have ever seen the batsman was sent on his way.   Next ball a tentative push looped off the edge towards gully where Paolo, diving forward, took an excellent catch inches off the turf.  

Last week, I described Bobby as The Fielder Who Can Catch™.  This week he has a challenger: Paolo, who took 4.   

In the very next over, Matt rearranged the stumps again, in the space of 12 balls we had 4 wickets for 8 runs, and Madingley were stumbling at 56-5.  There then followed a recovery.   The next batsman chanced his arm and for 10 overs it came off.  The ball was often in the air, but only once went near a fielder when Bobby was unable to hold on to what would have been the catch of the season at deep midwicket.  Scotch was on the receiving end of many of these near misses, and Richard was the other suffering bowler.  We needed a boost and it came in the shape of Ben’s wrist spin.  His first over featured 2 wides, 7 runs and 2 wickets.  The first was an incredibly laid back, casual one handed grab by John Bason in the covers.  The second was a full toss that Paolo pulled down at deep midwicket.   In his next over, Ben and Paolo repeated the trick.  Full toss, heave to leg, good catch at midwicket.   Another flurry of wickets: 3 for 11 in 3 overs, had left Madingley on 118-8.  

Rob had now replaced Richard, getting his usual swing, and repeatedly beating both bat and stumps (and keeper) to no avail.   So back to Ben, and a 3rd case of Ct Mastroeni B Jarrett in very similar circumstances.   The last wicket saw the ball pop up on the leg side from Ben’s bowling and this time Cameron was able to make the ground from behind the stumps to take the catch (with some juggling it must be said).

Ben finished with 5-26 from his first bowl in the league showing the value of (a) a spin bowler on the dry wicket and (b) Someone Who Can Catch™.   Madingley were all out for 156, with 6 overs still to go, a lot less than they would have liked but maybe 30-40 more than they should have gotten.

We then enjoyed a very tasty tea featuring homemade cakes.  Thanks to the mums who arranged this.
Bobby and Richard opened the batting carrying on the young/old strategy.   One was composed and soon moving the score along.  The other was Richard who soon holed out to mid-on.  Paolo was undone by a ball that bounced a bit more than he expected and he feathered a catch to the keeper.   Scotch, radically promoted to number 4 in a stunning move by Matt, played down the wrong line and quickly succumbed to the Madingley leg spinner K (not Kate!) Middleton.

The general consensus was that the bowling was OK but not too threatening.   Bobby had flourished at the other end while the wickets were falling and now he was joined by John.   The runs accumulated steadily and this pair put on 40 for the 4th wicket.  It was only then that we twigged to Madingley’s dastardly plan.  The 5th bowler that they brought on was their top wicket taker.   As if that wasn’t bad enough they then brought on a 6th.   We had heard the Aussie accent in the field and wondered.   He wasn’t called Mitchell but he was distinctly quick.   Bobby pulled his first ball for 4 but off the last ball of the over John could only help a quick rising delivery on its way to the keeper and we were 78-4.   Matt decided to take the attack to the bowlers, swinging hard and often at the ball.  Sometimes he even hot it.   Bobby continued to accumulate at the other end and we reached the 2nd drinks break at 96-4 , needing 61 off the last ten overs.

As often happens with these breaks wickets fell straight afterwards.   Bobby had been in for 30 overs and was looking a little tired by now.   He had just passed his 50 when Maggott tempted him into cutting one into the hands of point, and later in the same over Matt was bowled leaving us on 101-6.   Having been held back so long, Damien the Aussie was now equally mystifyingly withdrawn from the attack.   Cameron smashed a ball to the long off boundary off the returning Middleton but attempting to repeat the shot later in the over holed out in the deep.  David & Dominic tried their hardest to counter attack but both were bowled, the former by Maggot and the latter by Damien the Aussie who was now back in the attack.   The run rate was now reaching the impossible category but Ben and Rob had a few lusty swings before the former was dismissed by a very sharp caught and bowled by the Aussie paceman.

A promising 100-4 had subsided meakly to 122 all out in the penultimate over.   Beaten, but not disgraced, by the runaway league leaders we now have a week’s break.   Call outs today for the excellent batting by Bobby, catching by Paolo and Ben for his debut five-for.  The secret cricketer would like it to be known he was not out, again, Safwan would like Matt to know that he still has 10 overs available.

Wimblington: The Return of the Match Reports by The Secret Cricketer's Secret Correspondant




“so” the doctor said, “tell me about the voices in your head.”

“They won’t go away,” I moaned.  “they are with me all the time now.”

“And what do these voices say?”

“Many things.  ‘Bowl at the top of off’, ‘look for a quick single’, ‘get forward to it’, ‘don’t play across the line’ and such like.  But most of all, and what scares me most is the constant repetition of the phrase ‘what happened to the match reports?’  What can it mean?  Is it to do with my mother?”

The answer was considered as he stroked his beard.  “Well, in my professional opinion, what you need to do is PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND WRITE A MATCH REPORT.  That will be £250 please.”

Now, you may know that I have an insider at Coton CC from whom I get the lowdown and scoop on the game.  This year he hasn’t been taking my calls.  I thought he might have retired, or died.  Turns out he was busy visiting publishers trying to pitch his new book “I Am The Secret Cricketer”.  Most recently he had been in the USA meeting film studios.  This was wholly unsuccessful as (a) no-one in Hollywood had the slightest notion what “creee-kit” was, and (b) no-one could decide if the story was a tragedy or a comedy (hint: it’s both, often at the same time).

So, over a pint I carefully explained that in order for him to write the book, he first needed to become a cricketer:  “I Am The Secret Villager Who Was Press Ganged On Saturday Morning” doesn’t have the same ring to it. Undeterred he told me that his cricket was such a secret that even his captain didn’t realize that he could bat (apparently) and proceeded to spill the beans on the game against Wimblington.

The Coton team was divided into three cliques that have become the norm in 2014: the geriatrics, the Chandler Youth and the Captain.  The opposition added a fourth variation, a cricketer of the female persuasion.  

The Captain lost the toss in the time honored tradition and thus we batted first on a sultry afternoon that got warmer and sunnier as the day progressed.  I should introduce the villain of my story at this time.  Captain Grumpy, fresh from his success as Mainwearing in the Wimblington Village Players revival of Dad’s Army.

Dave Simmons and Bobby Elmes were chosen to be the first representatives of experience and youth respectively.  Dave’s experience was limited to two balls whereupon he chose to ignore a straight delivery from a bowler with even more experience under his belt and got himself bowled: 0-1.  This brought Paolo in to join Bobby, and the tyro half centurions from the previous two weeks set about building a total.  This was helped by some very wayward bowling (eventually there were 36 wides in the innings) and a very shellshocked Wimblington keeper.  She did manage to hold on to a catch off Bobby (22) to split a very promising partnership.  

This brought Safwan to the wicket for what could be his last appearance for Coton.  It’s been a blast (literally).  We’ll miss your batting, your eccentric bowling, even your fielding but especially your unique sense of humour.  Yes, we know you still have ten overs left.   I hope you got to the plane on time!   

The innings was typical Safwan, short, brutal and to the point.  Paolo was also getting into his stride, including one big six to midwicket, which prompted another discussion on the Laws of Cricket with Captain Grumpy.  It was this that prompted Rob to offer to captain the team to allow Captain Grumpy more time to do the umpiring. 

Whatever.  The runs kept piling on.  Olli had now joined Paolo and we passed 100 in the 17th over with just three wickets down.  Paolo eventually went for 40, caught and bowled by Wimblington’s fifth – and best – bowler.  He ended up taking four wickets and making Rob and Scotch feel young into the bargain.   Matt “Moeen” Chandler didn’t trouble the scorers (this is expected of Coton Captains) and was replaced by Cameron “Wolverine” Black.  Another good partnership ensued and it was quite a surprise when first Olli (for 47, just short of a maiden half century) and then Cameron (17) were winkled out.  Safwan was by now endearing himself to Captain Grumpy by calling 3 or 4 wides per over (they were deserved).  We had been rolling along at over 6 runs per over so the new batsmen – Gabriel and Paul “Indiana” Bradbury – decided to slow things down so Wimblington could have a feasible target.   This didn’t stop Paul stroking some boundaries before being given LBW to allow Scotch and Rob to finish off the innings with a flurry of boundaries and quick running between the wickets.  (The last part is a lie: even the opposition sledged that they wouldn’t be running any quick singles). 

The innings drew to a close on 247-9.   

Wimblington’s innings started with the contrasting styles of Matt and Rob.  The former was giving the opposition a thorough examination with some accurate, aggressive bowling.  The latter was slower and less threatening so it was no surprised when he broke the open partnership by getting Captain Grumpy to chip one to Bobby (The Fielder Who Can Catch™) at short midwicket.  Two balls – and one boundary – later it was two down as Rob rearranged the stumps and removed their number three.  Rob’s reward was to be make way for Olli.  

Olli was, let’s be charitable, wayward.   In four overs he put down about a dozen wides, but when he did get it straight it was very good, too good for the Wimblington #5 who was clean bowled.  At the other end, Scotch had been inspired by Wimblington’s older bowlers and reeled off seven overs that brought two wickets for just eighteen. At the halfway stage there were five wickets down, and still almost 180 to get.  It was over as a contest but we kept up the pressure.  Paolo replaced Olli and took his maiden league wicket courtesy of a catch by Bobby (The Fielder Who Can Catch™) at short cover.   Paolo bowled quickly and accurately.

Safwan was given a short burst to allow Captain Grumpy to call some wides, including one that went in between the batsman’s legs and one that passed between the batsman and the stumps.  Bobby took over from Paolo and immediately struck.  The Wimblington ‘keeper patted one straight back to him and being “The Fielder Who Can Catch™” Bobby took his third catch of the innings.  Two overs later Wimblington’s top scorer picked out Olli in the covers and gave Bobby his second wicket.  

They were now eight down but it was getting darker and a storm was threatening.  This is “friendly” village cricket, nevertheless we suspected that Captain Grumpy would try to appeal against the light given the chance.  Matt decided we needed to get through the overs quickly.  Of course, the reason that is was getting late was that Captain Grumpy had spent hours shifting fielders a few feet on a regular basis: Ross would have been proud of him.  Dave Simmons was brought on to bowl off a couple of paces, and Matt bowled his off spin.  Together they engaged in a competition to see who could get through an over faster.  Matt won that, but Dave took two wickets in the 40th over, the second coming off the final ball of the game to finish with 2-2.  A typical Coton batsman: he took more wickets than he scored runs.

Wimblington finished on 125, just past half way to their target.  Captain Grumpy marked the pitch as bad (yeah really, bad enough for us to score 247) and departed back to the fens chuntering.  

It was comprehensive win.  Set up by excellent batting from the Chandler Youth (Olli was unlucky to fall just short of 50) and wrapped up by some good bowling by young and old with six different people chipping in with wickets.  Captain Grumpy excepted, Wimblington were a friendly bunch to play against, our next opposition – the unbeaten Madingley – may prove a different kettle of fish.