No Country For Old Men

Scorecard 

The dismal weather of the week finally relented and Saturday dawned to blue skies and the possibility of cricket.  We had a third away game in a row to start the season, this time at the elusive Newton.  They had dodged us twice last year in finishing second and we waited anxiously to hear whether we would play again.  Safwan waited too long and arrived after we had taken the field.  At 1:30 it was approximately 9 vs. 7 but more Newtonians arrived as the game progressed.

The ground was a wonderful example of the village cricket that I was banging on about last week.  Batsman had to dodge the cowpats between the rustic pavilion and the lush outfield.  I would not be surprised if the occasional junior got lost in there.  Once they were inside the electrified fence (to keep cows of or to keep cricketers in?) they were greeted by a spreading chestnut at long on and a tree well inside the boundary at square leg.  The pitch itself was flat and true if a little slow from all the rain (and hail and sleet) it had seen in the previous seven days.

Throughout the game we were entertained by various vintage warplanes from Duxford, possibly warming up for a fly past at the Champions League final scheduled for the evening.

Anyway, Newton batted and from the off it was apparent that they were going to take the aerial route to remove the long grass from the equation and utilize the short boundaries.  They were past masters at putting the ball in the air between fielders causing Coton’s opening bowlers (Matt and Rob) to tear their hair out.  Or it would have done if they had any.  Matt decided to put a stop to that and hit the stumps instead.  Next over the Newton number 3 pushed one straight to Richard at short cover to give Rob a wicket.  Matt soon got a 3^rd wicket, rattling the stumps again and we were all conjecturing how quickly this could be over.

But Newton started to come back into it.  Scotch was tying up one end having replaced Rob but runs were coming somewhat fortuitiously at the other.  First off a tiring Matt, then off Adam Bradbury who took over from the cow pasture end.  If we painted them white, the cows would make an excellent sight screen.  The tree was coming into play more and more.  It was four runs for each hit: Safwan’s suggestion that he field behind the tree was correctly ignored by Captain Dan.

The runs were accumulating quickly but Scotch put an end to that by removing the remaining opener and then two more in quick succession: one was bowled, one from a juggling catch by Gabriel.  This would have been at cow corner on many grounds but as the cows were at 360 degrees round the pitch there wasn’t a corner as such this week.  Gabriel rushed off to get a red nose and rotating bow tie to look more attuned with the style of the catch.

Scotch’s third wicket is worth of note.  Not for the catch by Alastair behind the stumps – although that was well taken – but for the fact that it was a batsman who was actually older than Scotch!

Adam got a wicket for his efforts at the other end, bowling the batsman with a classic leg break.  Dan rang the changes again though bringing on Richard for his first bowl of the season.  By this time Newton had a batsman that really looked like could play, Richard put an end to that with one that (from square leg) looked to bowl him around his legs.  Dan had taken the ball at the other end and got some stick from Newton’s top scorer before pitching one up on off stump and rearranging the furniture.

Newton 118 all out (or was it 116, 117?) in a little under 26 overs.  

In reply Dan opened with Gabriel.  The opening bowling was keen and tight and runs came slowly at first.  Unfortunately for Newton their opening bowler and skipper had to leave at 4pm.  After 4 very good overs he had to go which was bad news for Newton and ironically bad news for Dan.  He very nobly offered to let them have a fielder and Cameron Black was the sacrificial victim.  Cameron turned out to be the best fielder on the park for the rest of the game.

I thought long and hard about how to describe what followed.  Should In describe the change bowling as idiosyncratic, or variable, or unique?  No it wasn’t it was rubbish.  Almost as bad as the umpiring that left Dan fuming.  He got a high full toss from the change bowler and pulled it high in the air to fine leg.  Rob consulted Scotch at square leg, was it too high?  Dave wasn’t sure, and while we dallied Cameron took the catch.  After a short discussion we decided it was a no-ball but as we hadn’t called it early enough we were not able to change the decision and Dan had to go.  The arc that his bat took as he left the field was impressive.  I just hope it didn’t land in a cow pat.  

Alastair came in and his rotten season continued as he was bowled for 2.  Gabriel was run out not grounding his bat and we were suddenly 24-3.  It wasn’t yet time to panic.  Even with only 10 players we bat all the way to 11 with Rob and his virgin bat.  There was the change bowling and then there was the force of nature that is Safwan Akram to change things around.  

Safwan and Adam laid into the bowling with relish.  There were more full toss no-balls to come.  Correctly called this time and we had to warn the stand in Newton skipper that his bowler had now reached the limit enforced by the rules.  The replacement tried the opposite approach with one that bounced three times and rolled along the ground.  Amidst this Safwan was running a vendetta on the tree and trying to defy the preservation order on it by bringing it down one branch at a time.  Three hits on successive balls probably lost us six runs as the automatic four for hitting the tree denied Safwan certain sixes.  He did manage to hit four of those as well.  Adam joined in the fun and smote a mighty six over long on.  He added some other excellent strokes to this and in the 19^th over we were level on scores (or perhaps ahead).  Not to worry, the next ball was summarily dispatched for four by Adam and we were home with more than twenty overs left and just three wickets down.  Saftwan finished on 66 not out off about 25 balls, Adam 28 not out.

In three games this year we have only lost ten wickets, which is great for the results but frustrating for the likes of Cameron, Scotch and Rob who have yet to bat this year.   What it does mean is we are top of the league with three wins out of three.  There are other unbeaten teams but they have only played two games so far.  Check out the league table here.

 Next week, it’s Balsham away: onwards!

"Centurion" by Lucius Mestrius Plutarchus

Being part of a village cricket team brings many pleasures.  Each weekend in summer you have the opportunity to be hit by a hard red projectile whilst being sledged by team mates.  There are the cool (off) white clothes.  There is the joy of endless committee meetings and pitch preparation.   For the captain there is the excitement of the chase to find ten other people with nothing better to do on a Saturday.  I mean, who could ignore the lure of shoe shopping or visiting a craft fair and just how many weddings can one person attend in a year?  If all else fails there is gardening (“if you can spend every evening working on the pitch is it too much to mow the lawn?”).  There is the sheer ecstasy of standing in the drizzle on a glorious English summer day.

Foremost amongst the pleasure of village cricket is the opportunity to visit some of the backwaters of Cambridgeshire (and and at times Hertfordshire, Essex, Suffolk).  Places you haven’t heard of, can’t find on maps and, if it weren’t for cricket you would probably never will.  Almost invariably they are charming, idiosyncratic and well worth the trip.

Cokenach, on a country estate near the village of Barkway, was one such location.  With their £250K pavilion (including bar), covers, sight screens and nets you get the impression that they are one of the more affluent clubs in the league.  With sheep grazing on the nearby slopes and the occasional deer wandering past it seemed a shame to actually play cricket.

But we did play.  We batted first on a ground with a pronounced slope and a short boundary on one side and at one end.  Alastair opened with Quintus Dias.  The former has had a rotten run of luck this season, and that continued today with a second ball duck that someone snuck under the bat after he had blocked it and bounced back on to the stumps.  Perhaps it’s time for an adult bat, Alastair?  Cokenach celebrated, oblivious to what was to come next.  Safwan sauntered to the wicket, took a leg stump guard and instead of playing and missing the first few balls he faced (in his traditional way) swatted the first for two.  The next one vanished for six and the carnage began.  

Over the space of the next thirty deliveries Safwan racked up another forty five runs.  The opening bowling was honestly not that bad with a fair bit of movement and quite accurate.  It’s just that once Safwan gets into full flow any bowler can look a bit shell-shocked.  Fifty came up in just eight overs and when Safwan finally missed one in the eleventh he had recorded his second half century in successive league games with six fours and three sixes.  He was a second wicket for the persevering Jay Hussein.   Quintus’ contribution to a second wicket stand of sixty four was just eight runs.

If Cokenach imagined that Safwan’s departure would slow things down they were in for a rude awakening.  Gabriel – captain for the day in Dan’s absence – is now reproducing the batting he shows in nets in a match situation.  Perhaps it is less pressure not opening?   Whatever the reason, he and Quintus now assembled a third wicket stand of 177 over the course of 27 overs.  Both reached well constructed half centuries.  The ball was being dispatched to all corners.  Quintus managed to hit a six without the intervention of a fielders head and together they found the boundary on a regular basis.  The fielding was getting ragged: dropped catches, overthrows and even a glove throwing strop by the wicket keeper.  The bowling was – euphemistically – variable and one bowler even chose to injure himself rather than face the onslaught.  It was a joy to watch even if a tad frustrating: it is the perennial curse of the lower order batsman that they only get a chance when the team is in trouble and the upper order has failed against better quality bowling.  There is something very iniquitous about this.

And still the runs came with Quintus passing the century mark in the closing overs.  This is the first hundred for Coton witnessed by your faithful scribe that wasn’t by someone called Chris Cooke.  All the while Bobby Elmes sat padded up waiting for his chance with the bat.  It was never to come.

Finally with about 10 balls left, Gabriel missed one and became a third victim for the persevering Hussein.  Bobby was told to stay where he was and Matt sent in with orders to hit some sixes.  He was on a hiding to nothing but survived while a tiring Quintus carried his bat.  

Coton amassed 249-3, Quintus Dias 107 not out, Gabriel 67 (both personal best scores) and Safwan 53 off 32 balls.  

Perversely a big total likes this puts additional pressure on the bowlers.  Defending a small total can either end in glorious victory or valiant defeat, either way, the blame can seldom be laid at the feet of the bowlers.  A large total should be easier to defend but can you imagine the ignominy of the bowlers that fail to so?  It was with that specter hanging over Matt and Rob that we started our defense.  Cokenach were soon behind the run rate.  Matt bowled some good stuff and was rewarded when the first opener slapped the ball to a waiting Quintus Dias at point.  Rob was also getting plenty of movement and passing the outside edge.  He was mixing in the occasional full toss and having seen a couple dispatched to the short boundary was somewhat to see the next one nestle into the hands of Matt at backward square leg.  2 down for 17 and a run rate rising towards seven an over.  It was time to try the full toss trick again and guess what: it worked!  This time it was Safwan under the ball pouching the catch.

Buoyed by this success Rob tried a long hop.  This was smashed straight to Quintus Dias who shelled the catch: third time, not so lucky.  Rob was withdrawn from the attack with 2-18 off his five overs.   The replacement was Anthony Lamb, our debutant from The Land Down Under (& Zoology).  Bowling a brisk left arm round Anthony delivered a very promising first spell, in tandem with Dave Scotcher.  It was to their misfortune that they came into the attack whilst Cokenach’s two best batsmen were at the wicket.  Soon we were getting a taste of our own medicine.  66 runs were added for the 4^th wicket in reasonably quick time.  The required rate crept up towards eight per over and something had to give.

It was the introduction of Safwan that broke the partnership.  To go with the 50 runs, the catch and some fielding Safwan now bowled the opposition skipper.  It was a clever tactic too: three balls down the leg side were followed by a straight one that moved away off the seam and knocked back off stump.  99-4 and now needing over eight per over the match was swinging inexorably our way.

Anthony Lamb returned to the attack along with Scotch.  Quintus managed to put down another catch leading to the conspiracy theory that he was returning the favours shown by Cokenach in dropping him on a few occasions on his way to the century.  He was obviously suffering a Dr Fox prescribed some salt.  A small container with a white powdery substance was produced.  Was it salt?  Maybe we will never know.  

The match was conclusively put to bed as two more wickets fell.  Scotch finally bought his wicket courtesy of a Anthony Lamb running around from Long On to Long Off.  Anthony is Dave’s new bestest friend (even if he is Australian): he should be very worried about this.  Anthony then got a deserved wicket whilst giving Dave and Safwan a lesson in how to take a caught and bowled.  (Part 1: move towards, not away from, the ball.  Part 2: enclose ball in hands, do not attempt to parry). 

There was still time for Bobby Elmes and Cameron Black to have a bowl.  Both were ill served by a series of dropped catches.  Bobby did get a wicket off the last ball of the match courtesy of a stumping by Alastair to atone for an earlier drop.

Cokenach finished on 188-7, 61 runs short.  Wickets were shared by all the bowlers apart from the unfortunate Cameron.   The fielding was good when it needed to early on to put Cokenach behind the rate but rather more relaxed later when their chances of passing our score receded.  Cokenach won the Minor League last year so it gives us a good indicator of what to expect from the other teams from that league when face them.   

Two wins out of two and joint top (with 3 others) is all that we could ask for in starting the season. Next week it is bottom of the league Newton.  They dodged us twice last year: will we finally get to test their metal?

“A Game of Cricket”: based on the epic fantasy series “A Song of Wind and Rain” and not at all plagiarised from the books by George R. R. Martin.

Where we left it last season: the Old King (Rob the Bald) has been deposed by the usurper King Dan of House Garson.  The Chandler Youth have made some inroads into the team but failed to dislodge the old guard lead by Ser Dave, Ser Gabriel (Hand of the King) and Ser Other Dave.  Our overseas mercenaries (Lord Safwan, Ser Ullasa) have not been lured by other causes (in one case, despite getting married and emigrating) and new reinforcements have been recruited.  

Reorganised by the league for the umpteenth time, this time into “Junior 6 South”, read on for the first instalment of our heroic attempts to escape this pit of despair.  Thrill to the exciting deeds on the pitch and join us in our post match revels!  But most of all, don’t take it too seriously, at the nd of the day, this is fantasy…

Our quest begins in early May (“summer is coming … yeah right”) in the neutral surroundings of Granta Business Park.   Ominous clouds circle about but of dragons there is no sign. The Village of Linton are fighting battles on many fronts and have sent a squad largely formed of squires and pages to oppose us.   We gird our loins and wait for battle as near our half our troops circle the ground, apparently indecisive as to whether to join the battle.  At first this is amusing but later King Dan is incandescent.  When Ser Gabriel and Lord Safwan finally commit King Dan lets them know his “only rule” is that he will not tolerate dissent of the umpires.  By the end of the day will have learned six more only rules.  

We lose the toss, but our opposition elect to bat.  Their captain was heard to say that in the event of them getting knocked over quickly they could make it to the pub sooner.  I like that man’s thinking!

Ser Ullasa starts proceedings with a very wide wide.  We have lost nothing in the close season.  The first exchanges are tight and unforgiving.   Ullasa and Ser Matt of House Chandler  are giving away nothing and it is no surprise when first blood is drawn when Ser Matt disturbs the stumps.  This is followed by a second wicket as the ball is lobbed to Squire Chirayu, one of our new recruits.  For the rest of the Linton innings the ball seems to follow three members of the team: its either in the air and just out of the reach of Chirayu, hit extremely hard either close to, or straight at, Page Bobby Elmes or in the direction of Lord Safwan who proves adept at jumping out of the way.

It’s time for a change.  But what’s this?   It is not last season’s leading wicket taker Ser Dave of Scotcher, neither last season’s most unlucky bowler (King Dan himself – now in Wisden with the record for the “most catches dropped off a single bowler in a season”).  Rather it is the ex-King Rob the Bald recalled from exile and purveyor of dibbly-dobbly wobbly stuff that is handed the ball.  He proceeds to reel of seven tight overs with much grimacing and tearing of hair (if he had any) as the ball repeatedly evades both bat and stumps.

Enter Ser Dave.  It is now clear that King Dan had some cunning plans with the bowlers.  Part 2 is that Ser Dave is to bowl to the squires.  He proceeds to take three wickets, two of those wickets come on successive balls.  The next victim (not in the Yew Tree sense) is wheeled out to the middle in a stroller by his mother.  He hangs his bat over the side of his chariot, takes guard and competently deals with the hat-trick ball.  Afterward the match a quick analysis of the results card shows that the sum total of the ages of Ser Dave’s three victims is less in years than his own.  Pretty soon he will be able to take all ten wickets and make the same claim.  

It’s time for Part 3 of King Dan’s cunning plan: he will bowl to the tailenders to wrap up the innings.   Guess what?  It works!   The opposition skipper had taken a liking to Ser Dave’s bowling and hit boundaries of 3 successive deliveries.  This was thanks in part to the fielding of Ser Safwan, but he did manage to take a catch to offer some compensation.  King Dan put an end to the resistance courtesy of a classic quick bowler’s wicket with Master of Coin Alastair taking the catch behind.  Bobby, tired of being victimised in the field, chased a ball down at point and his smart return to Alastair resulting in an excellent run out.  Ser Ullasa rejoined the attack and deservedly got a wicket to finish off the innings to go with King Dan’s three.  Linton had amassed 120 with 4 of their allocation of overs unused.

Towards the end of the 1^st innings there had been some intermittent drizzle.  Not enough to deter dedicated cricketers but enough to make the ball slippery and the footholds less than trustworthy.  As we emerged to bat and throughout our innings the weather got better and we finished in bright sunshine.  The batting was lead off by Ser Alistair and Ser Other Dave.  From the side the lower order batsmen chuntered on questioning why the bowling always looks so unthreatening when it’s someone else in the middle and why they never get to bat unless the team is in trouble.  Ser Alistair was looking untroubled until he contrived to strike one back in the direction of the bowler.  It was hit and it was hit hard, but it was neither low enough nor hard enough.  Our Master of the Coin departed caught and bowled.

This brought Sir Safwan to the wicket.   His innings proceeded in typical style.  Half a dozen swings and misses before finally a contact and two runs.  The next ball flew across the boundary for a maximum and the one after that was summarily dismissed for 4 more.  In the blink of an eye, 0 off 6 balls became 12 off 9.

Ser Other Dave accumulated steadily at the one end and along with the rest of us admired the carnage at the other.  One suffering opening bowler was retired from the attack, but that only served to increase the scoring rate as his replacement’s first over went for 21 runs (including 5 no balls).  We were approaching the target score at a rate of knots.  I retired inside to see if there was any cake left and was accosted by two ladies of Linton.

“Does he often play for your 1^st XI” one asked.

“All the time” I replied, a little mischievously.

I could sense the indignity rising and decided to pre-empt the speech on how unfair it was having 1^st XI players competing with their 3^rd XI.  I added, “But of course this is our only XI”.  I think they were somewhat mollified.  Meanwhile Ser Safwan continued to wreak havoc on whatever bowler had the misfortune to be in the firing line.  Several more sixes followed the first one but Sir Other Dave managed to play over a straight one and was bowled.  This brought Chirayu to the wicket for his first innings for Coton.   There was little more to do than watch and learn as the assault continued.  We were approaching Linton’s total at a rate of about 10 and it was quite a surprise when both Chirayu and Safwan (for 74) were dismissed.

We needed around 10 to win off 25 overs with Bobby and Gabriel now at the wicket.  The latter gave Linton a glimmer of hope.  10 off 25 is near to Gabriel’s natural strike rate so if only they could keep him on strike there was a chance.  Bobby was having nothing of this and stroked a couple of boundaries: first a cut to the square boundary and then a glance and we were home: 124-4 with the best part of 23 overs still remaining.   Bobby finished with a calm 11 not out and Gabriel a hard fought and creditable 0 not out.

It was a good convincing win to start the season.  It is too hard to say whether the standard is indicative of what the rest of the season will bring.   Nevertheless we are joint top of the league with just 13 more games to go!