Conversation overheard in a pub in the Cambridge area, 9 May 2015:-
A
Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- Well, we got away with that not
being able to identify the Coton Mystery Match Report Writer last week. What are the chances we’ll get away with it again?
A Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- No problem at all. Nobody read either report so that should be fine.
A Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- Well, I saw that Ross and Matt were a bit short of players this week. I
told them (or was it you?) that they should tell people about the match
reports then more would want to play to get a mention on these famous
pages.
A Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- I know. Get famous this way or Britain’s Got Talent. We made our wise choice and we’re sticking with it.
A Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- And we couldn’t be happier.
A Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- So what’s the theme for this week’s reports?
A Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- We won’t get away with that two chaps chatting in a pub lark again will we?
A Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- Probably not. Any ideas?
Someone of little significance:- How about three chaps chatting in a pub?
So last week we were all over Over and this week we were to arrive at St Ive.... oh bugger it ends in an “s”. It was actually St Ives 3rd XI. They have 4 teams so there game of musical pitches is more of a challenge. They
have a very large facility and after arriving in a disorganised too
many cars we were about half way there as a long journey through their
pavilion brought us to our changing room. And that is saying something as St Ives is about half an hour away by car (obeying the speed limits). There is an argument that we should boycott any club which does not have a CB postcode. But we like St Ives so we’ll forgive them. If we played March the following week we might not be so charitable.
We
were assured that we were in the right changing room despite the
showers being designed either for people who didn’t wash hair or who
were very short. It was an odd arrangement especially
considering that there was a step down into the shower to allow 9 foot
tall people to shower, presumably from the waist down. Let’s hope they didn’t have any 9 foot bowlers with clean legs and dirty torsos. But I digress. There is a small chance that one or two of you reading this (the full readership?) may want to know a bit about the cricket.
An opinion poll put John Bason and Adam Bradbury top of the selection list following their top scores last week. Just like all of the opinion polls leading up to last week’s general election the exit polls showed that this was wrong. No doubt they would have been selected but they chose not to stand in the Coton Cricket Club 1st (or 2nd) constituency this week and were duly not elected to serve a term of this Saturday afternoon. Would this have an effect on the economy or NHS? Possibly. But we are talking very long term here. Not playing this week to revise for his exams may help Adam in a future career affecting the nation. But this week he was not going to affect the result.
Presumably to make like easier and having to change fewer names we traded one John for another (Hartright came in for Bason) and one Bradbury for another (Dadders replacing Adders). Also Cameron came in for Gabriel, thus requiring a bit more name changing and ruining this theme.
It has been traditional to win the toss and field as there is only one new ball. However we observed last week that Over were swinging the 40 over old ball all over the place (but mostly localised on the stumps) so we wondered whether the older ball swung more than the newer one. So Matt maintained his winning streak, won the toss and elected to bat. All that winter coin-tossing practise has worked wonders. Taking into account the cross wind at St Ives (we were assured it is there most days) and coefficient of friction on a coin rotating at 340 rpm at an altitude of 1.4m and calling the correct way..... actually I have no idea of who tossed and who called. We correspondents should probably pay more attention. Anyway, Matt chose to bat.
Hoping to get back to last year’s statistics for the opening partnership Dave and Bobby were chosen to open the batting. It didn’t work last week but we won so who cares? The St Ives bowling was not as potent as the bowling of last week and they opened with two of their younger players. Bobby took first strike to a bowler with an “interesting action”. If they were asking for advice (which they weren’t) I think a trained coach should have a little look before any bad habits set it. Maybe one has and all is well. The one at the other end was probably the youngest in their team and he looks a good prospect. He bowled more consistently than his opening partner with a lot of away swing. The theory of the ball swinging more in the 2nd innings may have gone. It is quite possible that it is down to the bowlers. Who’d have thought? What was apparent from an early stage was that the bounce was very variable. Some kept very low and some good length balls went head high. They bowled enough loose balls to provide run scoring opportunities so it wasn’t necessary to take chances. The runs flowed with both Dave and Bobby hitting fours occasionally. At least one person read last week’s match report to note that Dave is likely to be bowled by a yorker. Luckily for Dave this one was delivered from 21 yards and not 22. Richard’s call was loud and early. Some charitably noted that Richard’s call probably put Dave off and that’s why he missed it. Not so was the honest admission.
A short while later and off the first over of the first change bowler the ball bounced and Dave got a top edge to an attempted nurdle to be caught at square leg for 33 after 12 overs with the total on 60-1. Matt has asked for the total to be 80 after 20 overs. I hope he wasn’t too disappointed that we may get their early.
Presumably to make like easier and having to change fewer names we traded one John for another (Hartright came in for Bason) and one Bradbury for another (Dadders replacing Adders). Also Cameron came in for Gabriel, thus requiring a bit more name changing and ruining this theme.
It has been traditional to win the toss and field as there is only one new ball. However we observed last week that Over were swinging the 40 over old ball all over the place (but mostly localised on the stumps) so we wondered whether the older ball swung more than the newer one. So Matt maintained his winning streak, won the toss and elected to bat. All that winter coin-tossing practise has worked wonders. Taking into account the cross wind at St Ives (we were assured it is there most days) and coefficient of friction on a coin rotating at 340 rpm at an altitude of 1.4m and calling the correct way..... actually I have no idea of who tossed and who called. We correspondents should probably pay more attention. Anyway, Matt chose to bat.
Hoping to get back to last year’s statistics for the opening partnership Dave and Bobby were chosen to open the batting. It didn’t work last week but we won so who cares? The St Ives bowling was not as potent as the bowling of last week and they opened with two of their younger players. Bobby took first strike to a bowler with an “interesting action”. If they were asking for advice (which they weren’t) I think a trained coach should have a little look before any bad habits set it. Maybe one has and all is well. The one at the other end was probably the youngest in their team and he looks a good prospect. He bowled more consistently than his opening partner with a lot of away swing. The theory of the ball swinging more in the 2nd innings may have gone. It is quite possible that it is down to the bowlers. Who’d have thought? What was apparent from an early stage was that the bounce was very variable. Some kept very low and some good length balls went head high. They bowled enough loose balls to provide run scoring opportunities so it wasn’t necessary to take chances. The runs flowed with both Dave and Bobby hitting fours occasionally. At least one person read last week’s match report to note that Dave is likely to be bowled by a yorker. Luckily for Dave this one was delivered from 21 yards and not 22. Richard’s call was loud and early. Some charitably noted that Richard’s call probably put Dave off and that’s why he missed it. Not so was the honest admission.
A short while later and off the first over of the first change bowler the ball bounced and Dave got a top edge to an attempted nurdle to be caught at square leg for 33 after 12 overs with the total on 60-1. Matt has asked for the total to be 80 after 20 overs. I hope he wasn’t too disappointed that we may get their early.
John came in and started swinging through the arc from the word go. He even managed to hit one or two whilst doing so. The variable bounce was not his friend. Bobby was finding his range by now and extras was putting is a strong contribution to the partnership. Perhaps the thought of this 3rd
contributor to the partnership put John off in a way similar to the way
a runner might put a player off but John called for a single which was
tight even for his long legs and he was run out. At least it was his call. Dadders Bradders was next in. He
and Bobby got the scoreboard ticking along nicely and then they brought
on a left arm spinner and had Bobby caught for another good score – 34.
Cameron joined Paul and after having a good look at the bowling hit a lovely 4 to follow up last week’s fine innings. Unfortunately
that was that and his wicket started something of a collapse with
Anthony following next ball to a big spinning delivery (that’s what he
told everyone anyway). Paul smacked a lovely drive over the top. A couple of blinks and the way he got out soon dispelled the vision of a Chris Gayle mirror image. 110-6. Dominic joined Roger for a mini revival where again extras was the major contributor until there left armer got Dominic. We
bat a long way down so it was reassuring to see Richard coming in at 9
who does a good impression of a yo-yo in the batting order. Roger was soon bowled and Matt joined Richard – 131-8. The
wise sages converging on the scorebox (yes, they have a scorebox - we
have a trestle table) decided that these two needed to put on a few to
give us a good total. Scotch was the only one left wearing
pads and was a bit grumpy with the wise sages and hoping for the
opportunity to prove them wrong. Matt is a generous captain and agreed that Scotch should be afforded this opportunity and provided it by being Stevens’ 6th victim. There
were plenty of overs in hand when Scotch joined Richard and they mixed
wise defence with a healthy number of biffs to the boundary (including
one by Scotch) and a smattering of entertaining calling mostly for (and
in Richard’s case against) singles off the last balls of the over. Having used up 38 of the 40 overs Scotch could not wait for a cup of tea any longer and was caught having combined for the 2nd highest partnership of the innings (after the opening one) of 46.
9 of us wandered off to tea in the bar (they have a bar - we have a couple of trestle tables) whilst Paul led a recount. The bowling figures added to one total, the batting numbers gave another and the numbers ticked off another. Our total was somewhere between 187 and 190. As it was our doing we settled on 187. We presented these findings to St Ives who gave the impression that starting with 1 was the problem and not ending in a 7 or 0. Their lack of faith helped tea to go down well.
9 of us wandered off to tea in the bar (they have a bar - we have a couple of trestle tables) whilst Paul led a recount. The bowling figures added to one total, the batting numbers gave another and the numbers ticked off another. Our total was somewhere between 187 and 190. As it was our doing we settled on 187. We presented these findings to St Ives who gave the impression that starting with 1 was the problem and not ending in a 7 or 0. Their lack of faith helped tea to go down well.
And we were off. We took to the field with Dominic sporting a new wrist bandage. Last week’s was white and this week it was black. We will be accepting bets on next week’s colour. Repeats are not permitted. I have 25p on red.
Anthony opened and took a little while to tune in his radar. Matt opened at the other end was more accurate. It wasn’t long before Anthony discovered what happens if one is aiming at the stumps and swinging in. Clatter. Their captain was gone. The
variable bounce made the leg side ones that bounced sit up and their
number 3 pulled 3 of them to the boundary which was quite annoying
really.
Matt’s
straight bowling was not reaping rewards so he tried a slow one which
was wider than he wanted and invited a slash through covers. He inside edged it on to his stumps. They say (actually we said – several times) bowl straight – you miss, I hit. Matt ignored this advice and hit anyway.
The next wicket goes on Anthony’s end of season figures but all there agree that Bobby takes the credit. A pull was walloped hard to square leg. Bobby dived forward just above the edge of their artificial strip and caught a brilliant catch 3 inches off the ground. Or Astroturf.
The next wicket goes on Anthony’s end of season figures but all there agree that Bobby takes the credit. A pull was walloped hard to square leg. Bobby dived forward just above the edge of their artificial strip and caught a brilliant catch 3 inches off the ground. Or Astroturf.
Anthony had bowled a couple of beamers which was unfortunate. The first was in one of the most entertaining sequence you’ll see. Their number 5 (their wicket keeper) ran a sharp one soon after he got to the crease and pulled up with an injury. Having
sought and been granted Matt’s permission to have a runner (they are
always fun for a while) he decided he would play out the rest of the
over. Anthony bowled a beamer which he couldn’t avoid and was hit in the chest. He was bowled next ball and the fun of a runner was not to be. Not this week anyway. 5 wickets down and Anthony had 4 of them. The next beamer would have been a waist high full toss had the batsman not been their youngest and therefore shortest. He got out of the way very well.
Meanwhile Scotch had replaced Matt to bowl some maidens. As per usual. Anthony hadn’t left him many wickets to take but he did take one. Obviously. Bowled. Obviously. We’d only have dropped it otherwise.
Bobby
was given an opportunity to have a bowl replacing Anthony fresh from
his brilliant catch whilst Roger took over from Scotch whose figures
were a ridiculous 6-3-5-1. Bobby’s first over was a bit wayward but he soon settled down. After
a few overs where it looked like they were playing for the draw their
young lad finally hit one hard but straight to Dave at midwicket who had
3 goes at catching it before finally taking the catch. A deserved wicket for Bobby.
Bobby resumed his place at square leg when Richard came on to bowl. After
a few overs of nudging the odd single here and there the number 9 and
top scorer (like our number 9) clipped a full toss to Bobby who is now
our safest pair of hands in the field. Noting the success of a full toss Richard bowled another one to their number 10 did exactly the same thing. 9 down and Matt brought the field in for the hat-trick ball. All apart from Bobby who remained in his position of honour at square leg. Richard made a catastrophic misjudgement and pitched the ball so of course it did not take a wicket.
However, in his following over he did mop up the number 11 and they made a total of 80. They were right not to worry about those 3 missing runs. Our scorers were relieved.
A good all round bowling performance with everyone in the wickets apart from Roger. Well, what do you expect if you don’t bowl leg stump full tosses? At least he was economical and was very close. Judging by Cameron’s contortions a few moved too far to hit the stumps.
Scotch tried to convince Richard that his 3 wickets were more than half a jug and 43 not out the other half. Richard wasn’t having it. I don’t blame him. Maybe a team jug then?
We’re still top of the table!
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