Wimblington: The Return of the Match Reports by The Secret Cricketer's Secret Correspondant

Scorecard 

League Table 

“so” the doctor said, “tell me about the voices in your head.”

“They won’t go away,” I moaned.  “they are with me all the time now.”

“And what do these voices say?”

“Many things.  ‘Bowl at the top of off’, ‘look for a quick single’, ‘get forward to it’, ‘don’t play across the line’ and such like.  But most of all, and what scares me most is the constant repetition of the phrase ‘what happened to the match reports?’  What can it mean?  Is it to do with my mother?”

The answer was considered as he stroked his beard.  “Well, in my professional opinion, what you need to do is PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND WRITE A MATCH REPORT.  That will be £250 please.”

Now, you may know that I have an insider at Coton CC from whom I get the lowdown and scoop on the game.  This year he hasn’t been taking my calls.  I thought he might have retired, or died.  Turns out he was busy visiting publishers trying to pitch his new book “I Am The Secret Cricketer”.  Most recently he had been in the USA meeting film studios.  This was wholly unsuccessful as (a) no-one in Hollywood had the slightest notion what “creee-kit” was, and (b) no-one could decide if the story was a tragedy or a comedy (hint: it’s both, often at the same time).

So, over a pint I carefully explained that in order for him to write the book, he first needed to become a cricketer:  “I Am The Secret Villager Who Was Press Ganged On Saturday Morning” doesn’t have the same ring to it. Undeterred he told me that his cricket was such a secret that even his captain didn’t realize that he could bat (apparently) and proceeded to spill the beans on the game against Wimblington.

The Coton team was divided into three cliques that have become the norm in 2014: the geriatrics, the Chandler Youth and the Captain.  The opposition added a fourth variation, a cricketer of the female persuasion.  

The Captain lost the toss in the time honored tradition and thus we batted first on a sultry afternoon that got warmer and sunnier as the day progressed.  I should introduce the villain of my story at this time.  Captain Grumpy, fresh from his success as Mainwearing in the Wimblington Village Players revival of Dad’s Army.

Dave Simmons and Bobby Elmes were chosen to be the first representatives of experience and youth respectively.  Dave’s experience was limited to two balls whereupon he chose to ignore a straight delivery from a bowler with even more experience under his belt and got himself bowled: 0-1.  This brought Paolo in to join Bobby, and the tyro half centurions from the previous two weeks set about building a total.  This was helped by some very wayward bowling (eventually there were 36 wides in the innings) and a very shellshocked Wimblington keeper.  She did manage to hold on to a catch off Bobby (22) to split a very promising partnership.  

This brought Safwan to the wicket for what could be his last appearance for Coton.  It’s been a blast (literally).  We’ll miss your batting, your eccentric bowling, even your fielding but especially your unique sense of humour.  Yes, we know you still have ten overs left.   I hope you got to the plane on time!   

The innings was typical Safwan, short, brutal and to the point.  Paolo was also getting into his stride, including one big six to midwicket, which prompted another discussion on the Laws of Cricket with Captain Grumpy.  It was this that prompted Rob to offer to captain the team to allow Captain Grumpy more time to do the umpiring. 

Whatever.  The runs kept piling on.  Olli had now joined Paolo and we passed 100 in the 17^th over with just three wickets down.  Paolo eventually went for 40, caught and bowled by Wimblington’s fifth – and best – bowler.  He ended up taking four wickets and making Rob and Scotch feel young into the bargain.   Matt “Moeen” Chandler didn’t trouble the scorers (this is expected of Coton Captains) and was replaced by Cameron “Wolverine” Black.  Another good partnership ensued and it was quite a surprise when first Olli (for 47, just short of a maiden half century) and then Cameron (17) were winkled out.  Safwan was by now endearing himself to Captain Grumpy by calling 3 or 4 wides per over (they were deserved).  We had been rolling along at over 6 runs per over so the new batsmen – Gabriel and Paul “Indiana” Bradbury – decided to slow things down so Wimblington could have a feasible target.   This didn’t stop Paul stroking some boundaries before being given LBW to allow Scotch and Rob to finish off the innings with a flurry of boundaries and quick running between the wickets.  (The last part is a lie: even the opposition sledged that they wouldn’t be running any quick singles). 

The innings drew to a close on 247-9.   

Wimblington’s innings started with the contrasting styles of Matt and Rob.  The former was giving the opposition a thorough examination with some accurate, aggressive bowling.  The latter was slower and less threatening so it was no surprised when he broke the open partnership by getting Captain Grumpy to chip one to Bobby (The Fielder Who Can Catch™) at short midwicket.  Two balls – and one boundary – later it was two down as Rob rearranged the stumps and removed their number three.  Rob’s reward was to be make way for Olli.  

Olli was, let’s be charitable, wayward.   In four overs he put down about a dozen wides, but when he did get it straight it was very good, too good for the Wimblington #5 who was clean bowled.  At the other end, Scotch had been inspired by Wimblington’s older bowlers and reeled off seven overs that brought two wickets for just eighteen. At the halfway stage there were five wickets down, and still almost 180 to get.  It was over as a contest but we kept up the pressure.  Paolo replaced Olli and took his maiden league wicket courtesy of a catch by Bobby (The Fielder Who Can Catch™) at short cover.   Paolo bowled quickly and accurately.

Safwan was given a short burst to allow Captain Grumpy to call some wides, including one that went in between the batsman’s legs and one that passed between the batsman and the stumps.  Bobby took over from Paolo and immediately struck.  The Wimblington ‘keeper patted one straight back to him and being “The Fielder Who Can Catch™” Bobby took his third catch of the innings.  Two overs later Wimblington’s top scorer picked out Olli in the covers and gave Bobby his second wicket.  

They were now eight down but it was getting darker and a storm was threatening.  This is “friendly” village cricket, nevertheless we suspected that Captain Grumpy would try to appeal against the light given the chance.  Matt decided we needed to get through the overs quickly.  Of course, the reason that is was getting late was that Captain Grumpy had spent hours shifting fielders a few feet on a regular basis: Ross would have been proud of him.  Dave Simmons was brought on to bowl off a couple of paces, and Matt bowled his off spin.  Together they engaged in a competition to see who could get through an over faster.  Matt won that, but Dave took two wickets in the 40^th over, the second coming off the final ball of the game to finish with 2-2.  A typical Coton batsman: he took more wickets than he scored runs.

Wimblington finished on 125, just past half way to their target.  Captain Grumpy marked the pitch as bad (yeah really, bad enough for us to score 247) and departed back to the fens chuntering.  

It was comprehensive win.  Set up by excellent batting from the Chandler Youth (Olli was unlucky to fall just short of 50) and wrapped up by some good bowling by young and old with six different people chipping in with wickets.  Captain Grumpy excepted, Wimblington were a friendly bunch to play against, our next opposition – the unbeaten Madingley – may prove a different kettle of fish.