Expedition to Sawston ends in Defeat by Captain R. F. Scott

Expedition Diary - June 23rd, 2012

07:30: Breakfast heartily until spouse announces that she needs the carriage.  Looks most aggrieved when informed that I may have to pick up team members and kit.  Gamely volunteers to take train.

 

09:00: Still looking to confirm that we can get a lift for Tom Watson and that the kit will be available.   Tom indicates that he can be at “The Wreck” by 12:30.   “The Wreck” isn’t really what it is called, but sometimes I think it should be.

11:25: Receive confirmation from The Rt Hon. Fox that he will bring the kit and Midshipman Watson.  Much relieved as wife can now use horseless carriage to get to her bridge game.

12:30: Advance party sets off to Stapleford Cricket Ground.  Arrives to find no evidence of the indigenous population and no evidence of habitation or pitch preparation.  This is worrying.  Thanks to the wonders of the Interweb find phone number of opposition captain.  The expedition party starts to arrive.  Call opposition captain and leave voicemail.  Perhaps they have heard how good we are and conceded already?

12:55: text from Scotch.  Running late on return trip from seeing Springsteen in Manchester.  Obviously trying to fulfil the role normally occupied by Mr East.

12:57: text from East.  Very confused as he is not joining the expedition today.  Also says he is running late coming back from seeing Springsteen in Manchester.  Surprisingly not on the M11.  Further reading shows that he has forwarded Scotch’s text.

13:05: ten players, two parents and one spouse at Stapleford.  Still no sign of opposition.   Receive call from opposition.  They have move game to their home pitch at Sawston as their 2^nd XI game has been cancelled.  I wonder why they didn’t tell us this.  This may be bad news as 2^nd XI players could now filter down to lower teams.  Expedition breaks camp to head further into the Southern wilds.

13:15: arrive Sawston.  Evidence of inhabitation and opposition.  Remember that we have forgotten Akram. 

13:20: Akram located.  He is now at the Stapleford ground looking very lonely.

13:28: Scotcher discovers that he has not packed his trousers.  Telegram sent to Janet to brings supplies.  Scotcher sent to umpire.

13:30: Captain loses toss.  Again.  Next time will delegate to see if we have any luckier tossers in the team. We will bat first.  Captain frets over batting order.  Decides to demote Akram as he is not confident that opening pair will survive long enough to allow him time to drive the dog team 2 miles from Stapleford.  Wicket looks very dry as it has been covered.   Coton team look in awe at covers, sightscreens, two permanent net lanes, electronic scoreboard and sponsorship adverts that festoon the ground.  Clearly the indigenous population are more advanced then we thought.  Several mutters of discontent heard about people being omitted to make way for players dropping down from higher teams.

13:30+30 seconds: Akram arrives.  Batting order left as is.

13:32: Fox announces “I am going to the middle, I may be some time”.  Allison accompanies him.  The game commences.  It is soon apparent that Sawston possess the best attack we have faced in the league this season.  Short break for rain: covers put back on.  If we have to take shelter during a light shower what will happen when we encounter truly bad weather nearer the pole?   Play resumes, Fox and Allison put on 20 for the first wicket and all looks well.

14:00: First wicket is lost, followed shortly by the second and third wickets.  Both openers return to base camp along with an obviously distraught Watson.  Team stops doing golf jokes out of respect.  Garson and Elmes now at wicket however remaining expedition members more interested in watching the electronic scoreboard.

14:30: More casualties.  Garson undone by one that he was convinced pitched outside leg.   Elmes also dimissed.  Akram and Kondanaramaiah making gallant stand against aggressive straight bowling.  This tactic has not been tried against us previously this year. 

14:45: Scotcher’s trousers arrive.  Janet has made good progress by using trousers as sail to increase sled speed.

15:00: Akram and Kondanaramaiah see us through to drinks break although latter has been in for 4 or 5 overs without hitting ball.  During drinks break we replace Kondanaramaiah with identical twin brother that can hit the ball.  Score starts to build.   Catches are dropped and things are looking better. 

15:30: I spoke too soon.  Innings ends with clatter of wickets.  Last four all fall on 88.  First true Coton-esque collapse of season.   Scotcher now has a batting average and we don’t have to listen to him tell us that he hasn’t been out yet this year (so there is an upside to being all out).   Captain runs himself out needlessly having survived hat trick ball.  He may have got home 30 years ago but age and ales have taken their toll.  Captain looks suitably shame faced, Chandler not impressed at being stranded not out.   This is the first time we have been bowled out this season.

15:40: Find cache of food provided by local population.  Do they think we are gods?  Consume food after testing on younger members of team first in case it has been poisoned.  Food is very good.  We will not have to eat the sled dogs or Scotcher now. 

16:00: Coton take to the field.  Kondanaramaiah (aka Cameron Black) makes first breakthrough with classic edge to the wicket keeper.  Kondanaramaiah then makes two more breakthroughs.   Locals look nervous. 

16:30 Garson takes fourth wicket with break back that succeeds in breaking the bail.  Locals look more nervous.  Game is now in the balance.

17:00: Scotcher replaces Garson and is soon rewarded with wicket courtesy of some fine juggling by Chandler.  He caught the ball enough times to dismiss an entire team.  Next week he will bring unicycle, red nose and size 20 shoes to complete the performance.  

17:15 Refreshments arrive.  Kodandaramaiah has bowled 10 excellent, fast, straight overs.  Wicket keeper (and Captain) happy with not having to dive too much.  Game is in the balance, 5 wickets down, about 30 to get to win.

17:30: Game was swinging toward the locals until we have a flurry of wickets.  Two bowled by Chandler in arguably his best display of season.   Ball in the air frequently but not going to hand.  Twice we bring in fielders close on the off only for the ball to burst through hands.  On the second occasion something rare happens.  Watson recovers quickly and grabs the ball.  Striker has run to bowler’s end, non-striker remains at bowler’s end.  A steady return will lead to an easy run out (the more usual Coton panic, fumble, wild throw, drop by keeper will not).   Watson has not read scripts and returns ball accurately to keeper who takes ball cleanly and removes bails.  They are eight down and still need about 10 runs.

17:45 Disaster!  Number 10 batsman spoons simple catch back to Scotcher on his first delivery.  The chance is not taken.   Scotcher is probably still dreaming of The Boss (the one not called Janet).  Sawston get some streaky runs with edges and they have passed out total.  Months of planning in vain.  They have beaten us to the pole.

18:00: Match is over.  Our winning streak is over.   Two good bowling attacks dominated the game with batting a struggle on both sides.  Pitch played excellently throughout with good carry and no abnormal bounces.   New supply of beer located.