"Coton's Got Talent" (?!?!!!) or "Chips with Everything"

Another day, another defeat and we are dead last in the league. Back to back games against Longstowe – the previous incumbents of the basement – yielded two defeats. It would be disingenuous to point at first XI players in the second XI and make that the focus of the defeats. Over 153 overs of cricket neither team was able to bowl the other out and Longstowe scored faster off our bowling than we did off theirs so they deservedly won.

The match was played on a distinctly oval ground (long square of the wicket but short straight). At one end it was bounded by horses in the fields and the 15^th Century St. Mary’s Church. A tree stood inside the boundary (automatic 4 if hit) and real sightscreens (also inside the boundary). Overall, there was a distinctly bucolic feel to proceedings.

The Coton Supporters Club (Neil) had turned up to read The Times and occasionally make sage judgements on the cricket. We batted first in variable weather conditions: someone must have been watching the match as the rain was only turned on for a brief period during the tea interval.

Gabriel stopped trying to do his hybrid Yorkshire/Pakistani/South African commentator impression long enough to open the batting with Dave Simmons (much to the relief the rest of the team). Progress didn’t quite reach the level of being serene but it was still a surprise when Dave was bowled after hitting several sumptuous shots. We can’t remember if Gabriel was off the mark at this point, but he had made a solid 2 by the time the 2^nd wicket went down with 31 runs on the board in the 10^th over.

Alastair was now at the crease with Richard with Sasha making mournful whimpering noises outside the pavilion. Richard also went cheaply bringing in the younger member of Bradward (like Jedward, but without the hair gel). Alastair’s stealth call for a quick single took Adam Bradward unawares and the latter was run out without scoring (an innings Bradward senior would have been proud of). It has to be said that Adam was remarkably calm on returning to the dressing room having been run out, something senior members of the side (yes, you, Rob) would do well to note.

Bradward Senior replaced Junior and for perhaps the first time showed that his Christmas present from Helen (cricket lessons) might have been money well spent. Alastair departed at 80, just before the drinks break and it looked distinctly unpromising with 5 wickets down at the mid way stage of the innings.

Dan Garson strode into the arena (or something equally dramatic) and with Bradward senior occupied the crease for the next 20 overs. Together they put on 99 for the 6^th wicket, only being parted on the last ball of the innings when Paul half heartedly tried to take a run off a ball that went through to the wicketkeeper. We tried to convince the opposition that the umpires had already called “over” and removed the bails for the tea interval but they weren’t falling for it (our umpires were a bit slow on the uptake though). We also tried the “spirit of the game” approach but this received a short rebuttal from Longstowe.

Prior to this, Dan and Paul had played untroubled for 20 overs with Dan reaching an unbeaten 52 and Paul 36. Paul’s innings included 3 boundaries: he's obviously been getting some coaching tips from his son(s). This had led to an animated discussion on the sidelines as to whether he had hit a boundary before. (Paul, you may want to defend your besmirched character at this point).

Scotch, Rob, Matt and Ulassa muttered something about reversing the batting order but no-one was paying attention.

179 seemed like a defendable total but after tea Longstowe got off to a flyer against Ulassa and Matt. Gabriel ran through his repertoire of bowlers looking for a breakthrough and it was Scotch that responded by removing both openers. The 2^nd wicket was down to fine catch by Dan diving forward at square leg. As Scotch has had well over two hundred catches put down off his bowling this season he was understandably elated to have one taken.

His reward was an immediate removal from the attack.

Dan had replaced Matt and put down 8 hostile overs but still the runs accumulated. Dan took a 3^rd wicket courtesy of some fine juggling by Alastair behind the stumps. When added to his unicycle riding and dog show the latter could have a fine career with Billy Smart’s Circus should he decide to hang up the gloves.

At this stage it was 77-3 and another breakthrough could have seen us back in the game. It wasn’t to be. Rob, Richard & Adam all tried their luck at getting that elusive 4^th wicket as did Ulassa and Matt in 2^nd spells. Alas it wasn’t to be.

There was plenty of playing and missing and more than one ball dropped agonisingly away from the field. Dan was particularly unlucky with edges falling between slip and short third man. Rob – having explained the no ball rule to the Longstowe umpire – suffered an over where he beat the bat four times only to be smashed for a boundary off the last ball.

Neil meanwhile decided that walking Alastair’s dogs was more interesting than watching the cricket.

In the end Longstowe passed our total with three wickets down and seven overs to spare to achieve a comfortable victory. That leaves two games (Girton & Cambourne) in which to get off the miserable three win mark.

It just remains to comment on the friendly pub that we visited afterwards where were provided with FREE CHIPS to accompany the beers. This was enough of an enticement to keep us there for a second pint instead of going back to The Plough.

And finally, the results of Coton’s Got Talent for 20^th August:

1^st: Dan Garson for his maiden 50, excellent fielding (including that catch) and bowling.

2^nd: Bradward Senior for showing that his batting does have boundaries and a dramtic role reveral with Bradward Junior.

The rest of the team were voted off by the panel of judges (aka Neil, Sasha & Shadow).

[As hacked from Gabriel’s mobile phone on Monday morning.]