Wild, Wild West (Cambridge)

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Do you ever have that experience where someone tells you one thing, but your brain hears another?  And then no matter how hard you try you can't shake the original thought, even though you know it wrong?   No?  Must just be me then, and what follows may not make much sense.

Last Saturday Sheriff Wyatt "Matt" Earp rounded up the most unlikely looking posse in history and we road into Boot Hill looking for a cricket match.  Following the Sheriff and duly deputized, were: Doc Holliday; The Preacher; Billy the Kid; Ned Kelly (visiting from Australia via the Zoology department); Butch Cassidy, The Sundance Kid; Blondie; Tuco; Angel Eyes; and Judge Roy Bean (the law west of the Gog Magogs).

Sheriff Earp finished the last of his cigarette and strolled out to face the leader of the Boot Hill Gang, mano a mano.  It was the appointed hour of high one-thirty (noon would have sounded better).

"Call" said the opposing captain.

Sheriff Earp considered shooting the spinning 10p from the sky, but then considered what a total prat he would look if he missed.

"Tails."

"Tails it is."

"We'll have a bat".

And so it began.  The showdown at the Tesco Superstore Coral.

Butch "David" Cassidy and Billy (Bobby) the Kid were first up, and we made a steady start punctuated with the odd boundary.  By now my contact had realized that he was in fact in Bar Hill, not Boot Hill (but the music from "Il Buono, It Brutto, Il Cattivo" kept playing in his head) .  The ground is so named as it has a fair slope running from one end to the other, and a bar (a very good one some of us discovered).  Bar Hill only had nine on the field, but you somehow got the impression that we could hit the ball straight to fielders even if there weren't any.  We had made it into the twenties when Judge Roy "Rob" Bean put the curse on Cassidy stating that he only needed another 6 to make it to 100 not out (adding last week's score to this).  So Cassidy missed a straight ball and took a blow to the stumps.  Doc "Fox" Holliday missed the next delivery, which was also straight, and was palpably leg before wicket.  Adam "Blondie" Bradbury saw off the hat trick ball, and with Bobby the Kid built a good third wicket partnership.

There was some fine stroke play, some quick running and the score started to accelerate.  It was clear now that Bar Hill had one accurate bowler, and a supporting cast of extras that were as likely to hit something as an extra in a Hollywood movie.  

It was therefore surprising when Blondie was bowled, and Ned Kelly swept a ball straight to one of the scattered fielders.   Alas it was the one that could catch.

Judge Rob Bean has been nagging the captain for a chance to bat all season.  This was it.  Was it worth it?   Well, no.  Despite his batting prowess, and looking every bit a solid opener, Bobby the Kid needs lessons in how to call for runs.  Judge Rob may claim that he thought quickly and sacrificed his wicket to save the better batsman in the running mix-up.  In reality he is too slow and was beaten by a direct through (the ball had gone to the fielder that could through straight).  The Preacher now took strike.  

[Fun aside, The Preacher is the name of Clint Eastwood's character in "Pale Rider", a movie in which the lead female character is called Sarah Wheeler...].

Bobby the Kid also succumbed to Bar Hill's accurate bowler, bringing the Sheriff in to join The Preacher.  Together they took a very unpromising 78-6 to 150 before being parted.  The Preacher, realizing that he was on 47, and that he hadn't brought enough cash for a jug took one on the toe to break the partnership.  Tuco now joined the Sheriff.  Bar Hill had obviously seen him bat and brought all their fielders into a close ring but Tuco defied expectations by hitting a boundary.  The score continued to advance before Tuco tried a big swing and was bowled.  This brought in Angel Eyes who accompanied the Sheriff to the last ball when the former was run out going for a dodgy second.  This left the Sheriff - who had been cleverly avoiding the strike for some overs - stranded on 46 not out.

We had reached 194-9 in our 40 overs, a challenging total on a slowish pitch.

The Sundance Kid quietly cleaned his pistols.

After an excellent tea (and resisting the temptation of the Woodforde's Once Bittern on the bar) we resumed hostilities against the 9 men and 1 woman of Bar Hill (and additional player having arrived at the break).

Ned Kelly had a chance to make amends for his earlier batting mistake and opened with the Sheriff taking the other end.   Both were accurate - much to the relief of the Judge behind the stumps.  It was Ned that made the breakthrough, splaying the stumps of the opening bat.   The next ball brought a rather streaky single, but then the other Bar Hill opener nicked one through to the Judge and we had them at 4-2.  A caught behind is rather a rarity for Coton.

Ned Kelly bowled accurately and hostilely.  There was a beamer that the batsman did well to avoid and the Judge took baseball catcher style followed by three short of length deliveries.   That batsman - one of only two to reach double figures - played these by turning his head away, holding his bat out and dollying up catches to close fielders who weren't there.

The Sheriff had bowled well without reward, and now asked The Sundance Kid to step into the firing line.  The latter soon took joined the party with a great ball that moved in and took off stump.  Ned Kelly rattled the timbers again and The Sundance Kid made way for Blondie.  The latter showed that he his adding more control, and more variations, to accompany the turn that his wrist spin had always generated.  

Bar Hill reached half way on a stuttering 48-5, Blondie having pitched one on leg that spun past the outside edge to clip off.  As a team we did an excellent collective job of not shouting "bowling, Shane" at every opportunity (Shane Warne that is, not the one in the Alan Ladd movie).  Ned Kelly had bowled through, with the excellent figures of 10-1-16-3.  I would say these were Scotch-like, but Ned isn't half the man that Dave is.   Literally.  

The rest of the innings featured a procession of Bar Hill batsmen failing to play Blondie's bowling with any conviction whatsoever and he proceeded to hit the stumps three more times.   With Ned Kelly's spell complete, The Preacher and then Angel Eyes were bowling from the other end to Blondie.  Angel Eyes has a fearsome run up, followed by a fairly gentle delivery.  But in his first bowl for Coton, he too hit the stumps and without an 11th player Bar Hill had subsided to 70 all out (top scorer, the reliable Mr Extras).  Blondie thus became the third member of the Coton Posse to avoid buying a jug, finishing with 5.2-1-10-4 and being denied a fifth wicket only by a lack of batsman.

It was a comprehensive win against a team that have struggled all season and are bottom of the league.  A good team performance with contributions from the bat up and down the order and excellent bowling by all those called upon.  We didn't have too much fielding to do.  Eight of the wickets were bowled, with just the one catch.

It leaves us 4th with 2 games to play.  The maths are simple: win them both, we finish 2nd.  Lose either, or lose one or more to the weather, we don't.  Yee ha!

Bowled Jarrett caught Mastroeni (and repeat...)

Match reports, eh?  A bit like buses: they are always late, always stink, you seemingly wait for ever for one and then two arrive almost together.

On Saturday 26^th July, Coton took on local rivals Madingley at The Rec.   There was a league debut for Ben Jarrett who had also been tapped by the opposition to play for them only to discover that we had his league registration.  The Chandler Youth had its usual representation but there were less old codgers than usual. Madingley arrived as the league leaders with a 100% record.  Although they departed with that record intact we gave them a good run for their money.  If we play like that against the teams lower down we could end the season on a high note.    

The fixtures have a strange organization this year.   The match was the 4^th out of 5 successive home games, after which we will end the season with 4 consecutive away matches.  In spite of this the pitch is holding up very well and indeed got a “good” rating from a very friendly opposition.

Captain Moeen Chandler won the toss and we inserted Madingley.   The one-ball-per-game rule really does affect these decisions although in general we seem to be better setting a target than chasing.  They got off to a sound start in the face of some good bowling by Matt and Paolo.   The opening partnership was then broken is somewhat chaotic style.  Matt dug one in, and the Madingley opener’s attempted pull popped up on the leg side.   Cameron raced out from behind the stumps but could only take it on the first bounce.  Turning, he discovered that both batsmen were near the bowler’s end, whereas the bowler was by the stumps at the other.  The ball was calmly flicked in and Matt did the rest.  

Paolo came out of the attack with some very creditable – but wicketless – figures but Matt continued.  They had almost reached 50 when Matt brought one back through the gate to clean bowl the Madingley #3.   This precipitated a flurry of wickets.   Scotch had taken over from Paolo.   In his next over the first two balls disappeared to the boundary but the last two brought wickets.   The first was an LBW of the other opening batsman.  Scotch’s appeal was impassioned, loud and long.  At first it looked like the decision would not be given but after the longest period of consideration that I have ever seen the batsman was sent on his way.   Next ball a tentative push looped off the edge towards gully where Paolo, diving forward, took an excellent catch inches off the turf.  

Last week, I described Bobby as The Fielder Who Can Catch™.  This week he has a challenger: Paolo, who took 4.   

In the very next over, Matt rearranged the stumps again, in the space of 12 balls we had 4 wickets for 8 runs, and Madingley were stumbling at 56-5.  There then followed a recovery.   The next batsman chanced his arm and for 10 overs it came off.  The ball was often in the air, but only once went near a fielder when Bobby was unable to hold on to what would have been the catch of the season at deep midwicket.  Scotch was on the receiving end of many of these near misses, and Richard was the other suffering bowler.  We needed a boost and it came in the shape of Ben’s wrist spin.  His first over featured 2 wides, 7 runs and 2 wickets.  The first was an incredibly laid back, casual one handed grab by John Bason in the covers.  The second was a full toss that Paolo pulled down at deep midwicket.   In his next over, Ben and Paolo repeated the trick.  Full toss, heave to leg, good catch at midwicket.   Another flurry of wickets: 3 for 11 in 3 overs, had left Madingley on 118-8.  

Rob had now replaced Richard, getting his usual swing, and repeatedly beating both bat and stumps (and keeper) to no avail.   So back to Ben, and a 3^rd case of Ct Mastroeni B Jarrett in very similar circumstances.   The last wicket saw the ball pop up on the leg side from Ben’s bowling and this time Cameron was able to make the ground from behind the stumps to take the catch (with some juggling it must be said).

Ben finished with 5-26 from his first bowl in the league showing the value of (a) a spin bowler on the dry wicket and (b) Someone Who Can Catch™.   Madingley were all out for 156, with 6 overs still to go, a lot less than they would have liked but maybe 30-40 more than they should have gotten.

We then enjoyed a very tasty tea featuring homemade cakes.  Thanks to the mums who arranged this.

Bobby and Richard opened the batting carrying on the young/old strategy.   One was composed and soon moving the score along.  The other was Richard who soon holed out to mid-on.  Paolo was undone by a ball that bounced a bit more than he expected and he feathered a catch to the keeper.   Scotch, radically promoted to number 4 in a stunning move by Matt, played down the wrong line and quickly succumbed to the Madingley leg spinner K (not Kate!) Middleton.

The general consensus was that the bowling was OK but not too threatening.   Bobby had flourished at the other end while the wickets were falling and now he was joined by John.   The runs accumulated steadily and this pair put on 40 for the 4^th wicket.  It was only then that we twigged to Madingley’s dastardly plan.  The 5^th bowler that they brought on was their top wicket taker.   As if that wasn’t bad enough they then brought on a 6^th.   We had heard the Aussie accent in the field and wondered.   He wasn’t called Mitchell but he was distinctly quick.   Bobby pulled his first ball for 4 but off the last ball of the over John could only help a quick rising delivery on its way to the keeper and we were 78-4.   Matt decided to take the attack to the bowlers, swinging hard and often at the ball.  Sometimes he even hot it.   Bobby continued to accumulate at the other end and we reached the 2^nd drinks break at 96-4 , needing 61 off the last ten overs.

As often happens with these breaks wickets fell straight afterwards.   Bobby had been in for 30 overs and was looking a little tired by now.   He had just passed his 50 when Maggott tempted him into cutting one into the hands of point, and later in the same over Matt was bowled leaving us on 101-6.   Having been held back so long, Damien the Aussie was now equally mystifyingly withdrawn from the attack.   Cameron smashed a ball to the long off boundary off the returning Middleton but attempting to repeat the shot later in the over holed out in the deep.  David & Dominic tried their hardest to counter attack but both were bowled, the former by Maggot and the latter by Damien the Aussie who was now back in the attack.   The run rate was now reaching the impossible category but Ben and Rob had a few lusty swings before the former was dismissed by a very sharp caught and bowled by the Aussie paceman.

A promising 100-4 had subsided meakly to 122 all out in the penultimate over.   Beaten, but not disgraced, by the runaway league leaders we now have a week’s break.   Call outs today for the excellent batting by Bobby, catching by Paolo and Ben for his debut five-for.  The secret cricketer would like it to be known he was not out, again, Safwan would like Matt to know that he still has 10 overs available.

Wimblington: The Return of the Match Reports by The Secret Cricketer's Secret Correspondant

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“so” the doctor said, “tell me about the voices in your head.”

“They won’t go away,” I moaned.  “they are with me all the time now.”

“And what do these voices say?”

“Many things.  ‘Bowl at the top of off’, ‘look for a quick single’, ‘get forward to it’, ‘don’t play across the line’ and such like.  But most of all, and what scares me most is the constant repetition of the phrase ‘what happened to the match reports?’  What can it mean?  Is it to do with my mother?”

The answer was considered as he stroked his beard.  “Well, in my professional opinion, what you need to do is PULL YOUR FINGER OUT AND WRITE A MATCH REPORT.  That will be £250 please.”

Now, you may know that I have an insider at Coton CC from whom I get the lowdown and scoop on the game.  This year he hasn’t been taking my calls.  I thought he might have retired, or died.  Turns out he was busy visiting publishers trying to pitch his new book “I Am The Secret Cricketer”.  Most recently he had been in the USA meeting film studios.  This was wholly unsuccessful as (a) no-one in Hollywood had the slightest notion what “creee-kit” was, and (b) no-one could decide if the story was a tragedy or a comedy (hint: it’s both, often at the same time).

So, over a pint I carefully explained that in order for him to write the book, he first needed to become a cricketer:  “I Am The Secret Villager Who Was Press Ganged On Saturday Morning” doesn’t have the same ring to it. Undeterred he told me that his cricket was such a secret that even his captain didn’t realize that he could bat (apparently) and proceeded to spill the beans on the game against Wimblington.

The Coton team was divided into three cliques that have become the norm in 2014: the geriatrics, the Chandler Youth and the Captain.  The opposition added a fourth variation, a cricketer of the female persuasion.  

The Captain lost the toss in the time honored tradition and thus we batted first on a sultry afternoon that got warmer and sunnier as the day progressed.  I should introduce the villain of my story at this time.  Captain Grumpy, fresh from his success as Mainwearing in the Wimblington Village Players revival of Dad’s Army.

Dave Simmons and Bobby Elmes were chosen to be the first representatives of experience and youth respectively.  Dave’s experience was limited to two balls whereupon he chose to ignore a straight delivery from a bowler with even more experience under his belt and got himself bowled: 0-1.  This brought Paolo in to join Bobby, and the tyro half centurions from the previous two weeks set about building a total.  This was helped by some very wayward bowling (eventually there were 36 wides in the innings) and a very shellshocked Wimblington keeper.  She did manage to hold on to a catch off Bobby (22) to split a very promising partnership.  

This brought Safwan to the wicket for what could be his last appearance for Coton.  It’s been a blast (literally).  We’ll miss your batting, your eccentric bowling, even your fielding but especially your unique sense of humour.  Yes, we know you still have ten overs left.   I hope you got to the plane on time!   

The innings was typical Safwan, short, brutal and to the point.  Paolo was also getting into his stride, including one big six to midwicket, which prompted another discussion on the Laws of Cricket with Captain Grumpy.  It was this that prompted Rob to offer to captain the team to allow Captain Grumpy more time to do the umpiring. 

Whatever.  The runs kept piling on.  Olli had now joined Paolo and we passed 100 in the 17^th over with just three wickets down.  Paolo eventually went for 40, caught and bowled by Wimblington’s fifth – and best – bowler.  He ended up taking four wickets and making Rob and Scotch feel young into the bargain.   Matt “Moeen” Chandler didn’t trouble the scorers (this is expected of Coton Captains) and was replaced by Cameron “Wolverine” Black.  Another good partnership ensued and it was quite a surprise when first Olli (for 47, just short of a maiden half century) and then Cameron (17) were winkled out.  Safwan was by now endearing himself to Captain Grumpy by calling 3 or 4 wides per over (they were deserved).  We had been rolling along at over 6 runs per over so the new batsmen – Gabriel and Paul “Indiana” Bradbury – decided to slow things down so Wimblington could have a feasible target.   This didn’t stop Paul stroking some boundaries before being given LBW to allow Scotch and Rob to finish off the innings with a flurry of boundaries and quick running between the wickets.  (The last part is a lie: even the opposition sledged that they wouldn’t be running any quick singles). 

The innings drew to a close on 247-9.   

Wimblington’s innings started with the contrasting styles of Matt and Rob.  The former was giving the opposition a thorough examination with some accurate, aggressive bowling.  The latter was slower and less threatening so it was no surprised when he broke the open partnership by getting Captain Grumpy to chip one to Bobby (The Fielder Who Can Catch™) at short midwicket.  Two balls – and one boundary – later it was two down as Rob rearranged the stumps and removed their number three.  Rob’s reward was to be make way for Olli.  

Olli was, let’s be charitable, wayward.   In four overs he put down about a dozen wides, but when he did get it straight it was very good, too good for the Wimblington #5 who was clean bowled.  At the other end, Scotch had been inspired by Wimblington’s older bowlers and reeled off seven overs that brought two wickets for just eighteen. At the halfway stage there were five wickets down, and still almost 180 to get.  It was over as a contest but we kept up the pressure.  Paolo replaced Olli and took his maiden league wicket courtesy of a catch by Bobby (The Fielder Who Can Catch™) at short cover.   Paolo bowled quickly and accurately.

Safwan was given a short burst to allow Captain Grumpy to call some wides, including one that went in between the batsman’s legs and one that passed between the batsman and the stumps.  Bobby took over from Paolo and immediately struck.  The Wimblington ‘keeper patted one straight back to him and being “The Fielder Who Can Catch™” Bobby took his third catch of the innings.  Two overs later Wimblington’s top scorer picked out Olli in the covers and gave Bobby his second wicket.  

They were now eight down but it was getting darker and a storm was threatening.  This is “friendly” village cricket, nevertheless we suspected that Captain Grumpy would try to appeal against the light given the chance.  Matt decided we needed to get through the overs quickly.  Of course, the reason that is was getting late was that Captain Grumpy had spent hours shifting fielders a few feet on a regular basis: Ross would have been proud of him.  Dave Simmons was brought on to bowl off a couple of paces, and Matt bowled his off spin.  Together they engaged in a competition to see who could get through an over faster.  Matt won that, but Dave took two wickets in the 40^th over, the second coming off the final ball of the game to finish with 2-2.  A typical Coton batsman: he took more wickets than he scored runs.

Wimblington finished on 125, just past half way to their target.  Captain Grumpy marked the pitch as bad (yeah really, bad enough for us to score 247) and departed back to the fens chuntering.  

It was comprehensive win.  Set up by excellent batting from the Chandler Youth (Olli was unlucky to fall just short of 50) and wrapped up by some good bowling by young and old with six different people chipping in with wickets.  Captain Grumpy excepted, Wimblington were a friendly bunch to play against, our next opposition – the unbeaten Madingley – may prove a different kettle of fish.