Coton 1st XI v Over 2nd XI 2 May 2015, by ??????

Conversation overheard in a pub in the Cambridge area, 2 May 2015:-

Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:-  I can’t cope.  The stress is too much

Someone of little significance:-  What’s wrong?

Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- There are now two teams and there’s only one of me.  What am I going to do?

Someone of little significance:-  About what?  And by the way, who are you?

Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- I’m the famous Mystery Match Report Writer for Coton cricket club and due to the amazing success of my match reports we now have two teams.  Everyone wants a mention in my match reports.

Someone of little significance:-  So what’s the problem?

Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- As you can probably tell there’s only one of me.  So I can only write one match report.  So at the end of the season there will be people analysing scorecards, creating spreadsheets and databases to work out my real identity.  I will be hounded by the press.  Life will become unbearable.

Someone of little significance:-  True, but does anyone actually know there’s only one of you.

Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- (Long pause)

Someone of little significance:-  In fact is there only one of you?

Coton Mystery Match Report Writer:- (Slightly longer pause)

Someone of little significance:- Maybe you are a bit like the Dread Pirate Roberts in The Princess Bride, you know the name gets passed around and there’s more than one of him.

One of the many Coton Mystery Match Report Writers:- Sorry, can’t talk now, I’ve got one, or maybe two, match reports to write……

At last!  Cricket, glorious cricket.  Finally the name Coton 1st XI is actually relevant as there is also a Coton 2nd XI.  The 1st XI gathered for a home game on Coton Rec which looked wonderful due to the sterling efforts of a small but greatly appreciated crew of cricketers.  Captain Matt tossed and made a fantastic start to the season by winning the toss and electing to bowl.  Matt opened the bowling at the top end and was mostly on target and generating some good pace and occasional bounce.  Anthony was due to open at the other end but managed to miss the start of the match, despite being there over 2 hours before the start to help with pitch preparation, as he’d forgotten his bowling boots.  So his warm up consisted of driving a roller, measuring and painting creases and cycling home to get his boots then back again.  So Dave Scotcher opened at the other end was his usual miserly accurate self.  Normal service had been resumed.

Matt’s 4th over was a bit erratic so the captain thought it would be a good idea to take him off.  Anthony had arrived by then and having been fielding at slip for Scotch for a couple of overs (where a chance had gone in his absence) took over.  He was quick, continuing from where he left off against Remnants on Wednesday.  So it was Scotch versus Anthony for the first wicket and Anthony won with the first of 3 catches behind the stumps by John to break a slow opening partnership.  The fielding was very good.  Dominic had been injured in a not-getting-out-of-the-way-quickly-enough-despite-neither-batting-nor-bowling incident at nets on Thursday (writing off a bag of frozen peas donated by Paul  - arguably the best use of a bag of frozen peas) and came adorned with a bandage which we assumed was a pre-emptive strike to excuse any misfielding.  He fielded very well with both hands.  Honestly, we weren’t fooled.  You can get a refund on next week’s neck brace now.

The number 3 didn’t look like he would bat for long and we were hoping that they were batting in order of ability in which case we were down to the tail.  No such luck and Anthony made the mistake of bowling him a straight one which he didn’t look like keeping out from the moment Anthony stated walking back to his bowling mark.  And so the number 4 come in and it became apparent that he was their best player.  By far.  The scoreboard starting ticking over.  Adam came on and worried them first ball with a beauty which went past the outside edge of a forward defensive.  He kept on beating the bat but their no 4 put away the occasional bad one and Paolo got a bit of uncalled for tap as well.  Adam bowled very well but that wasn’t getting rid of him so back to basics - a lovely full toss which he generously slapped not far off where Matt was standing at mid-on.  Now we really were in to the tail.  Paolo then took care of their no 5 with John’s gloves doing the work again.  The high fives were a bit hairy - our hands were sticking too.

After Adam’s spell Scotch returned and then did what Scotch does best - took wickets.  The only difference here was the lack of dropped catches, although he did ensure that the only catch required was by Mr sticky gloves.  The rest were bowled.  Lots of lovely wickets.  Between hm and the returning Anthony the rest put up little resistance.  Scotch had 5, Anthony 3 and one apiece for Paolo and Adam ensuring the the wickets were distributed in proportion to age.  Please submit your statistical analyses by the next match.  107 all out.

After a magnificent feast provided by Matt we felt confident that we had kept the down to a getable score but that would depend on how good their bowling was.  It turned out that their bowling was their stronger suit which they failed to tell us although I don’t think we can reasonably complain about that.

Dave opened with Bobby and after one over we were well on top of the run rate having scored 5 off their first over from their opening bowler, Lane.  That turned out to be nearly half of the runs he gave away and the 2nd over was delivered by their best bowler, Sorensen, who was also there best batter.  A bit later it turned out he was their best fielder too.  His first 3 balls were exciting - the first took Dave’s glove but he didn’t walk as his glove was no longer on the bat as the ball had taken off and whistled past at chest height.  The 2nd was similar and edged just short of slip.  The third was an away swinging yorker which Dave managed to jump over to be bowled.  It started getting interesting.  Paolo joined Bobby and between them they played a very valuable partnership as they kept out these very good bowlers.  When Sorensen had a break he had bowled 6 fast, accurate, swinging  overs, all of which were maidens.  He was replaced and it was clear that the two openers were their best bowlers and that should be able to get the runs of the others.  As runs started flowing from the 2nd string bowling Lane was nearing the end of his 10 when Paolo finally succumbed to him for the best 7 you’ll ever see.  He faced 43 balls for his 7 mostly off the openers who gave very little to hit so he was very unfortunate not to be able to cash in later.  The value of his innings became apparent when Lane then got Gabriel out bowled and Richard lbw in his last over.  He finished with 3-11 off his 10.  Did we have enough wickets left now that we’d seen him off?

Adam joined Bobby and runs began to flow.  Just after drinks Bobby’s finally went for a priceless 19 when the first change bowler Borley bowled a good one.  Dominic joined Adam and in a busy but short partnership looked positive until he bashed one straight back to Borley to flatter his bowling figures.  54-6 - oh dear.  This was getting a bit worrying.  Fortunately we were blessed with a very strong batting line up and John (the finisher) Bason was next and with Adam put together the biggest and decisive partnership to take us to 89.  The return of Sorensen did not slow the scoring down as both had their eye in but Adam was caught off Sorensen for a deserved second wicket.  A hunt around for the remaining batsmen did not immediately reveal Anthony who was found either having a look at the bowling from amongst the trees or feeling a bit homesick and going into the bush.  But Matt was before him and with John and only a few minor alarms managed to eke out the remaining runs with just under 2 overs left.  Phew!  What a game!  And played in a great spirit.

The major contributions were Scotch (5 for 15), Anthony (3 for 10) and with the bat Bobby (19), Paolo (the best 7 ever), Adam (25) and John (30* and 3 catches) and everyone for a very tight fielding performance.  We’re top of the table!  Long may it last.