“A Game of Cricket”: based on the epic fantasy series “A Song of Wind and Rain” and not at all plagiarised from the books by George R. R. Martin.

Where we left it last season: the Old King (Rob the Bald) has been deposed by the usurper King Dan of House Garson.  The Chandler Youth have made some inroads into the team but failed to dislodge the old guard lead by Ser Dave, Ser Gabriel (Hand of the King) and Ser Other Dave.  Our overseas mercenaries (Lord Safwan, Ser Ullasa) have not been lured by other causes (in one case, despite getting married and emigrating) and new reinforcements have been recruited.  

Reorganised by the league for the umpteenth time, this time into “Junior 6 South”, read on for the first instalment of our heroic attempts to escape this pit of despair.  Thrill to the exciting deeds on the pitch and join us in our post match revels!  But most of all, don’t take it too seriously, at the nd of the day, this is fantasy…

Our quest begins in early May (“summer is coming … yeah right”) in the neutral surroundings of Granta Business Park.   Ominous clouds circle about but of dragons there is no sign. The Village of Linton are fighting battles on many fronts and have sent a squad largely formed of squires and pages to oppose us.   We gird our loins and wait for battle as near our half our troops circle the ground, apparently indecisive as to whether to join the battle.  At first this is amusing but later King Dan is incandescent.  When Ser Gabriel and Lord Safwan finally commit King Dan lets them know his “only rule” is that he will not tolerate dissent of the umpires.  By the end of the day will have learned six more only rules.  

We lose the toss, but our opposition elect to bat.  Their captain was heard to say that in the event of them getting knocked over quickly they could make it to the pub sooner.  I like that man’s thinking!

Ser Ullasa starts proceedings with a very wide wide.  We have lost nothing in the close season.  The first exchanges are tight and unforgiving.   Ullasa and Ser Matt of House Chandler  are giving away nothing and it is no surprise when first blood is drawn when Ser Matt disturbs the stumps.  This is followed by a second wicket as the ball is lobbed to Squire Chirayu, one of our new recruits.  For the rest of the Linton innings the ball seems to follow three members of the team: its either in the air and just out of the reach of Chirayu, hit extremely hard either close to, or straight at, Page Bobby Elmes or in the direction of Lord Safwan who proves adept at jumping out of the way.

It’s time for a change.  But what’s this?   It is not last season’s leading wicket taker Ser Dave of Scotcher, neither last season’s most unlucky bowler (King Dan himself – now in Wisden with the record for the “most catches dropped off a single bowler in a season”).  Rather it is the ex-King Rob the Bald recalled from exile and purveyor of dibbly-dobbly wobbly stuff that is handed the ball.  He proceeds to reel of seven tight overs with much grimacing and tearing of hair (if he had any) as the ball repeatedly evades both bat and stumps.

Enter Ser Dave.  It is now clear that King Dan had some cunning plans with the bowlers.  Part 2 is that Ser Dave is to bowl to the squires.  He proceeds to take three wickets, two of those wickets come on successive balls.  The next victim (not in the Yew Tree sense) is wheeled out to the middle in a stroller by his mother.  He hangs his bat over the side of his chariot, takes guard and competently deals with the hat-trick ball.  Afterward the match a quick analysis of the results card shows that the sum total of the ages of Ser Dave’s three victims is less in years than his own.  Pretty soon he will be able to take all ten wickets and make the same claim.  

It’s time for Part 3 of King Dan’s cunning plan: he will bowl to the tailenders to wrap up the innings.   Guess what?  It works!   The opposition skipper had taken a liking to Ser Dave’s bowling and hit boundaries of 3 successive deliveries.  This was thanks in part to the fielding of Ser Safwan, but he did manage to take a catch to offer some compensation.  King Dan put an end to the resistance courtesy of a classic quick bowler’s wicket with Master of Coin Alastair taking the catch behind.  Bobby, tired of being victimised in the field, chased a ball down at point and his smart return to Alastair resulting in an excellent run out.  Ser Ullasa rejoined the attack and deservedly got a wicket to finish off the innings to go with King Dan’s three.  Linton had amassed 120 with 4 of their allocation of overs unused.

Towards the end of the 1^st innings there had been some intermittent drizzle.  Not enough to deter dedicated cricketers but enough to make the ball slippery and the footholds less than trustworthy.  As we emerged to bat and throughout our innings the weather got better and we finished in bright sunshine.  The batting was lead off by Ser Alistair and Ser Other Dave.  From the side the lower order batsmen chuntered on questioning why the bowling always looks so unthreatening when it’s someone else in the middle and why they never get to bat unless the team is in trouble.  Ser Alistair was looking untroubled until he contrived to strike one back in the direction of the bowler.  It was hit and it was hit hard, but it was neither low enough nor hard enough.  Our Master of the Coin departed caught and bowled.

This brought Sir Safwan to the wicket.   His innings proceeded in typical style.  Half a dozen swings and misses before finally a contact and two runs.  The next ball flew across the boundary for a maximum and the one after that was summarily dismissed for 4 more.  In the blink of an eye, 0 off 6 balls became 12 off 9.

Ser Other Dave accumulated steadily at the one end and along with the rest of us admired the carnage at the other.  One suffering opening bowler was retired from the attack, but that only served to increase the scoring rate as his replacement’s first over went for 21 runs (including 5 no balls).  We were approaching the target score at a rate of knots.  I retired inside to see if there was any cake left and was accosted by two ladies of Linton.

“Does he often play for your 1^st XI” one asked.

“All the time” I replied, a little mischievously.

I could sense the indignity rising and decided to pre-empt the speech on how unfair it was having 1^st XI players competing with their 3^rd XI.  I added, “But of course this is our only XI”.  I think they were somewhat mollified.  Meanwhile Ser Safwan continued to wreak havoc on whatever bowler had the misfortune to be in the firing line.  Several more sixes followed the first one but Sir Other Dave managed to play over a straight one and was bowled.  This brought Chirayu to the wicket for his first innings for Coton.   There was little more to do than watch and learn as the assault continued.  We were approaching Linton’s total at a rate of about 10 and it was quite a surprise when both Chirayu and Safwan (for 74) were dismissed.

We needed around 10 to win off 25 overs with Bobby and Gabriel now at the wicket.  The latter gave Linton a glimmer of hope.  10 off 25 is near to Gabriel’s natural strike rate so if only they could keep him on strike there was a chance.  Bobby was having nothing of this and stroked a couple of boundaries: first a cut to the square boundary and then a glance and we were home: 124-4 with the best part of 23 overs still remaining.   Bobby finished with a calm 11 not out and Gabriel a hard fought and creditable 0 not out.

It was a good convincing win to start the season.  It is too hard to say whether the standard is indicative of what the rest of the season will bring.   Nevertheless we are joint top of the league with just 13 more games to go!