Expedition to Sawston ends in Defeat by Captain R. F. Scott

Expedition Diary - June 23rd, 2012

07:30: Breakfast heartily until spouse announces that she needs the carriage.  Looks most aggrieved when informed that I may have to pick up team members and kit.  Gamely volunteers to take train.

 

09:00: Still looking to confirm that we can get a lift for Tom Watson and that the kit will be available.   Tom indicates that he can be at “The Wreck” by 12:30.   “The Wreck” isn’t really what it is called, but sometimes I think it should be.

11:25: Receive confirmation from The Rt Hon. Fox that he will bring the kit and Midshipman Watson.  Much relieved as wife can now use horseless carriage to get to her bridge game.

12:30: Advance party sets off to Stapleford Cricket Ground.  Arrives to find no evidence of the indigenous population and no evidence of habitation or pitch preparation.  This is worrying.  Thanks to the wonders of the Interweb find phone number of opposition captain.  The expedition party starts to arrive.  Call opposition captain and leave voicemail.  Perhaps they have heard how good we are and conceded already?

12:55: text from Scotch.  Running late on return trip from seeing Springsteen in Manchester.  Obviously trying to fulfil the role normally occupied by Mr East.

12:57: text from East.  Very confused as he is not joining the expedition today.  Also says he is running late coming back from seeing Springsteen in Manchester.  Surprisingly not on the M11.  Further reading shows that he has forwarded Scotch’s text.

13:05: ten players, two parents and one spouse at Stapleford.  Still no sign of opposition.   Receive call from opposition.  They have move game to their home pitch at Sawston as their 2^nd XI game has been cancelled.  I wonder why they didn’t tell us this.  This may be bad news as 2^nd XI players could now filter down to lower teams.  Expedition breaks camp to head further into the Southern wilds.

13:15: arrive Sawston.  Evidence of inhabitation and opposition.  Remember that we have forgotten Akram. 

13:20: Akram located.  He is now at the Stapleford ground looking very lonely.

13:28: Scotcher discovers that he has not packed his trousers.  Telegram sent to Janet to brings supplies.  Scotcher sent to umpire.

13:30: Captain loses toss.  Again.  Next time will delegate to see if we have any luckier tossers in the team. We will bat first.  Captain frets over batting order.  Decides to demote Akram as he is not confident that opening pair will survive long enough to allow him time to drive the dog team 2 miles from Stapleford.  Wicket looks very dry as it has been covered.   Coton team look in awe at covers, sightscreens, two permanent net lanes, electronic scoreboard and sponsorship adverts that festoon the ground.  Clearly the indigenous population are more advanced then we thought.  Several mutters of discontent heard about people being omitted to make way for players dropping down from higher teams.

13:30+30 seconds: Akram arrives.  Batting order left as is.

13:32: Fox announces “I am going to the middle, I may be some time”.  Allison accompanies him.  The game commences.  It is soon apparent that Sawston possess the best attack we have faced in the league this season.  Short break for rain: covers put back on.  If we have to take shelter during a light shower what will happen when we encounter truly bad weather nearer the pole?   Play resumes, Fox and Allison put on 20 for the first wicket and all looks well.

14:00: First wicket is lost, followed shortly by the second and third wickets.  Both openers return to base camp along with an obviously distraught Watson.  Team stops doing golf jokes out of respect.  Garson and Elmes now at wicket however remaining expedition members more interested in watching the electronic scoreboard.

14:30: More casualties.  Garson undone by one that he was convinced pitched outside leg.   Elmes also dimissed.  Akram and Kondanaramaiah making gallant stand against aggressive straight bowling.  This tactic has not been tried against us previously this year. 

14:45: Scotcher’s trousers arrive.  Janet has made good progress by using trousers as sail to increase sled speed.

15:00: Akram and Kondanaramaiah see us through to drinks break although latter has been in for 4 or 5 overs without hitting ball.  During drinks break we replace Kondanaramaiah with identical twin brother that can hit the ball.  Score starts to build.   Catches are dropped and things are looking better. 

15:30: I spoke too soon.  Innings ends with clatter of wickets.  Last four all fall on 88.  First true Coton-esque collapse of season.   Scotcher now has a batting average and we don’t have to listen to him tell us that he hasn’t been out yet this year (so there is an upside to being all out).   Captain runs himself out needlessly having survived hat trick ball.  He may have got home 30 years ago but age and ales have taken their toll.  Captain looks suitably shame faced, Chandler not impressed at being stranded not out.   This is the first time we have been bowled out this season.

15:40: Find cache of food provided by local population.  Do they think we are gods?  Consume food after testing on younger members of team first in case it has been poisoned.  Food is very good.  We will not have to eat the sled dogs or Scotcher now. 

16:00: Coton take to the field.  Kondanaramaiah (aka Cameron Black) makes first breakthrough with classic edge to the wicket keeper.  Kondanaramaiah then makes two more breakthroughs.   Locals look nervous. 

16:30 Garson takes fourth wicket with break back that succeeds in breaking the bail.  Locals look more nervous.  Game is now in the balance.

17:00: Scotcher replaces Garson and is soon rewarded with wicket courtesy of some fine juggling by Chandler.  He caught the ball enough times to dismiss an entire team.  Next week he will bring unicycle, red nose and size 20 shoes to complete the performance.  

17:15 Refreshments arrive.  Kodandaramaiah has bowled 10 excellent, fast, straight overs.  Wicket keeper (and Captain) happy with not having to dive too much.  Game is in the balance, 5 wickets down, about 30 to get to win.

17:30: Game was swinging toward the locals until we have a flurry of wickets.  Two bowled by Chandler in arguably his best display of season.   Ball in the air frequently but not going to hand.  Twice we bring in fielders close on the off only for the ball to burst through hands.  On the second occasion something rare happens.  Watson recovers quickly and grabs the ball.  Striker has run to bowler’s end, non-striker remains at bowler’s end.  A steady return will lead to an easy run out (the more usual Coton panic, fumble, wild throw, drop by keeper will not).   Watson has not read scripts and returns ball accurately to keeper who takes ball cleanly and removes bails.  They are eight down and still need about 10 runs.

17:45 Disaster!  Number 10 batsman spoons simple catch back to Scotcher on his first delivery.  The chance is not taken.   Scotcher is probably still dreaming of The Boss (the one not called Janet).  Sawston get some streaky runs with edges and they have passed out total.  Months of planning in vain.  They have beaten us to the pole.

18:00: Match is over.  Our winning streak is over.   Two good bowling attacks dominated the game with batting a struggle on both sides.  Pitch played excellently throughout with good carry and no abnormal bounces.   New supply of beer located. 

Coton Avengers Assemble - by Captain America

It seems like years since some civil service poobah looked out of his window and declared that there was a drought.  He should have been more careful: because Freyr (or Tefnut or Yu-Tzu or ) was casting his all-seeing eye in the direction of Whitehall and felt his godhood impugned.  “I’ll show them” he/she thought.  And shown we were with months of persistent precipitation.

On Monday, the mighty Thor strode out over an inundated Coton Rec and shook his fist at the sky.  “Not on my pitch” he raged and Freyr, feeling his brother’s needs, sent clear skies and drying winds.

And the miracle happened.  We got a game of cricket.   Thor called Captain America and the Coton Avengers assembled.  Of course there aren’t enough Avengers to make up a team, so we had to call in Justice League of America, Mystery Men and other random superheroes to fill out the squad.  

Lead by Captain America (he used to live there and will tell you many stories if you buy him a pint), we had Thor, Spider-dan, Batman Akram, Mr Fantasic, Hawkwind, the Abominable Hulk, Doc Chandler, The Rad-Thing, The Blue Rajah and Oli, The Boy Wonder.  

Rumours that Invisible Girl was patrolling the outfield to stop balls seemingly destined for the boundary cannot be proved or disproved, but thanks for the help, Helen.

Captain America won the toss by using his super powers to ensure that the coin landed opposite to the opposition skipper’s call and in time honoured tradition elected to field first.   The Blue Rajah opened the bowling with The Abominable Hulk.  It was soon evident that there was little pace in the pitch although the bounce was true.  

The Hulk (recently signed by Chelsea) worked through the Barrington batting.   They must be getting sick of the sight of him as he added 4 wickets in this match to the 6 that he took over at their place.  It should have been 5.  The Blue Rajah and The Rad Thing had taken catches off his bowling so as not to make him angry and turn green.  However, when one of the Barrington players chipped a simple return catch back to the normally reliable Hulk he managed to drop it, theatrically.  A more obvious case of jug avoidance I have yet to witness (later, Batman Akram also avoided a jug by going home). 

At the other end, The Blue Rajah had been replaced first by Spider Dan and then by The Mighty Thor.  We had hatched a plan to drop all the catches off Spider Dan’s bowling to get him wound up and bowl faster.  It worked, but he didn’t take any wickets.  The Mighty Thor did get one, shattering the stumps at the top end.  It was now time for Oli, The Boy Wonder to take the ball.  His first 2 overs were maidens and he bowled 5 excellent overs picking up 2 wickets including that of the opposition skipper who was surprised to be given out LBW.  Yes he was well down, but the ball was straight, hit him line and would have hit the stumps.  DRS would not have saved him.

The Barrington innings stuttered to a close with a wicket for Doc Chandler.  Doc had spotted the slow bounce and was close to bowling a couple of players with bouncers that almost dropped onto the stumps.  The Might Thor finished it off in successive deliveries with two thunderbolts that rearranged the stumps.  The opposition on July 7^th will be mightily confused when we surround the bat for the hat trick ball.

Which brings us to our batting.  We were chasing 105 to win.  Mr Fantastic opened with Hawkwind and although the scoring was slow we steadily accumulated runs.  Mr Fantastic for once scored faster than his partner but was first to go with score on 10 (at which point Hawkwind still hadn’t got off the mark).  This brought Batman Akram to the wicket.  Batman played himself in his usual manner: wild swings at several balls not making contact but creating mini-tornados on the pitch.  Hawkwind eventually got frustrated and holed out to cover leaving us at 26-2. 

Spider Dan got off the mark with a cracking 4 and was looking good.  He was undone by the change bowler who got a wicked ball to bounce up and Spider Dan fended it off to the wicket keeper.  35-3 and we were struggling.   The Rad Thing helped Batman put on a partnership of 22 for the next wicket and steady the ship.  Rad Thing’s contribution was only 1 as Batman was now starting to find his timing.

The Boy Wonder now entered the fray for his first bat at senior level.  He was a mite unlucky to get a very good ball first up and we had lost 2 in 2.  The Blue Rajah hastily searched for batting gear.  We were about half way, with half our wickets down but I still felt there was enough batting to come, including The Hulk.  The Hulk, as we know, (all together now) HAS NOT BEEN OUT YET THIS SEASON.  So we knew it would be alright in the end.  The batting was so strong that Captain America had put himself down to number 13 in the order.

It was about this time that someone commented that Batman Akram’s batting was right out of the IPL (where IPL stands for Impington Pub League).  A little unkind perhaps, but he certainly has an eye for the ball and hits it hard.  The canny opening bowler from Barrington had conceded just 10 runs in 7 overs until The Batman launched in to him for 18 in the next and he hurriedly withdrew from the attack.

The Blue Rajah joined in the fun, hitting some excellent shots with his long stride.  He hit the winning runs with an enormous blow for 6 through midwicket.  In the end it had become a stroll.  From looking decidedly dodgy at 57-5 we cruised past the target with more than 16 overs to spare.  The unbroken 6^th wicket partnership yielded 53 runs in less than 8 overs with The Batman finishing on 56 not out and The Blue Rajah on 23 not out. 

That makes 3 wins on the trot and 3^rd place in the league.  A fortnight ago, one of the two unbeaten teams in the league claimed their pitch was unplayable to avoid the might of the Coton Avengers.  Next week we play the other team above us.  Let’s hope they hold their nerve and that Freyr has forgiven us.

Man of the Match?  Batman Akram for his 56 not out that turned a sticky position into a win.  The Hulk is disqualified for the dropped catch, which marred a fine spell of 10-5-13-4.  And a big shout out for The Boy Wonder with 5-2-16-2 on his debut and some excellent fielding.